Happy Birthday JENNIFER

There are like four days until Christmas and yet I am no where near in the Christmas spirit!!
I think it's because all the stress.

Although I don't talk to my mom anymore I really dislike it when my family talks negatively abour her. It almost seems wrong. She did give birth to me, right?

Anyways, my race to finish my college things are almost done! It feels damn good. I want to sleep for an eternity. I have noticed that I talk about what I want on this blog a lot, I'm going to say what I don't want. I don't want to not get accepted into college, I don't want AIDS, I don't want the plague.

As I sat today, painting in my AP art class I realized that I love art all over again. For a while I was worrying about going to an art college but I'm really not afraid at all, bring it on. I want someone to make a movie with me! Any volunteers?!

FAIL BLOG. Whatevah it felt good to write something.
Writing is one of the best things, everytime I blog I feel better afterwards, it's like taking a burden off of my soul. Speaking of souls, I feel like my soul needs some watering. I want it to grow and flourish like a tree. What if I was a tree? That's be an interesting life to lead growing and splitting. I guess I do that anyways.

I saw two really great films this week, I saw Donnie Darko and Pan's Labyrinth. They were both such beautiful and intersting movies. I feel like my childhood was depraved, I never saw any great inspiring movies.

The best christmas song ever is All That I Want by The Weepies.
Having a fake christmas tree doesn't help the christmas spirit. Although I have to admit, when it was snowing today I couldn't stop grinning! It's going to snow on christmas, I think it's weird when it doesn't.

Today and yesterday I've been realizing how much I love Melina, I've always known she is great and my best friend and all but these last two days have somehow made us so much closer, I lvoe my mountain llama.
I want to go to Europe, I wonder if the air tastes different over there.

water

This is the third time I have tried to pick up blogging again since my last post.
I missed school today, I wasn't really that sick. I keep thinking of myself as falling, I don't know why but I can't land. Lately I've been in the worst of moods, call me... loveless.

Today I watched the movie "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly." It was one of the most beautiful films I have ever seen.
I've been thinking a lot about my art concentration, I think I have finally figured out what my word is going to be; enlightenment.
Throughout my highschool career I have wanted nothing more than to become a person, to finally grow out of my boring childish self and become something that matters. I definately haven't reached that point yet but I do believe I am on the right path.

My mind is clustered with thoughts at all times, I want some peace, I want to get away from these egotisms. I think what I really want is to stop caring about others judgements. A thought that is constantly running through my head is "I wonder if so and so likes me."
Lately I have wanted nothing more than to sit alone in my room and paint all day, I'm tired of people, and forced interaction. Don't get me wrong I do love other people and I do need to communicate I just feel frustrated. I want to be able to feel utterly alone for some time.
I want to travel, I want to go somewhere that isn't Massachusetts. I really miss the white mountains. Every year I go up to the white mountains and climb at least one with my dad. The way it feels to be surrounded by trees and dirt and bugs is so excellent.

Lately I've felt a bit underwater. I really want to resurface. I don't feel like my regular happy self. I guess this is adolescense. I hate feeling or talking about feeling bad. Whenever I begin to I think I'm being dramatic or annoying. Resurfacing may not be what I need though, maybe I need to explore underwater a bit more, it has certainly been inspiring. What an emotional journey life is, we are shot out into this cold and bright world and forced to live a certain way and then we die.
I suppose I should be living life to the fullest, but what is life without emotion?

I think the reason I don't blog is because i'm not very good with words. I wish I had a larger vocabulary.
I have a whole new appreciation for winter lately. I have been enoying the darkness that has been coming earlier and earlier. I also enjoy the lack of life, not in a cynical and depressing way I just think it's beautiful and barren.

I want to be in love I think. It's something I've never been able to experience.. I wonder what it's like.
It looks so fulfilling and fun. I think it's exactly what I need to be able to resurface.

I feel really antsy at the moment.
I think it's because my house is kind of messy and I don't like messes.. well I dont mind most messes but when I'm really hot I want everything perfect.

I'm OBSESSED with the song Home, I heard it a really long while ago but then I forgot who sang it. I'm not really in a blogging mood I just need something to do.

I think I'm in love.
But not really, more like an intense lust.

I went to the NAHS meeting today, it was pretty eventful, also I have three pieces in there. One of which I HATE!
An artist is definately their biggest critic... other than Madame Fusco.

I can't blog, sorry.

FOR THE FIRST TIME ON TOP MODEL HISTORY!!

On behalf of the last day of Summer I decided that I would go for a walk to my favorite little trail. It's so weird, seasons pass so quickly and yet I feel like it's been Summer for the longest time. Although I am melancholy about the fact that Summer is ending I am embracing Autumn with open arms. I like the word Autumn a lot better than Fall, it really describes the season as how I see it.
I really want to get rid of my cell phone. It just weighs me down so much.

You know what I don't understand?.. Why it is so strange to tell someone that you are interested in them. Why does that matter, we are human beings aren't we?
I guess I'm just a load of talk though, I would never tell anyone that I was CRUSHIN on them. All I want right now is to fall asleep on top of someone. I love sucking up other peoples body heat, I love human contact.

As I was walking down the trail today I realized (again) how much I want a camera. I want to take beautiful pictures, not for anyone else but myself. I love creating beautiful things. I think that's why I love art so much. It's so interesting that a tube of color or a stick of graphite can create such beautiful things.
The trail that I go on is illegal to walk through, I don't quite understand that, why are some parts of the world illegal to walk on. As I was sitting in the huge gorgeous field soaking up every last piece of Summer into my pores I realized how constrained we are as humans. Why am I not allowed to venture into unknown places, does anyone really own the earth? Is that even possible? What happens when the people that own that trail die, or what happens when I get caught by them (I assume it is Government owned land)? Why must I pay a consequence for pure intrigue?
As I was perched upon the untouched land I watched all of the animals on the trail and felt pure envy. Animals can do whatever they want, they run on pure instinct. I want to run on pure instinct.

I'm wearing shorts right now, I missed shorts, I love bare legs. I have a huge vendetta against leggings and tights, I literally hate them. I have absolutely no idea why. I think it's because I love bare legs so much.

I miss lifeguarding a whole lot, I wore my guard sweathshirt today for that very reason. I love watching people splash and play and scream and run and swim. I also miss swim team, I think I'm going to join again. I also think I'm going to stop smoking so many cigarettes.

Today I realized that my favorite color is yellow, I want to incoorperate yellow into everything I do. I also want to start wearing more yellow. I want to create something right now; a hat made out of can tabs.

America's Next Top Model is on tonight! I love that show, Tyra Banks is INSANE!!
I watch the Tyra Show because I love hearing her talk about how weird normal things are. Also on ANTM she always does something for the the first time on top model history and she always says it like that. "For the first time on TOP MODEL HISTORY I'm going to have you models walk across a tight rope 5,000 feet in the air with no harness over a lake of hungry alligators!!!!" And the models are always like "Tyra knows what she is talkkkin 'bout, I'm going to own dat tight rope and if I fall it just goes to show dat I want this more den any of da otha gurls" and then there is the one sane model that's like "Uhhhh I don't know Tyra, that sounds really dangerous, I don't know if I want to do it." And then Tyra is like "Well... I guess you don't want this bad enough, if you're not going to do this don't waste my time, you are going to be kicked out of America's Next Top Model."
LOL

Okay I'm done, that was a bit ridiculous.

Lately I've really wanted to make a movie, like a really interesting movie. I wish I had a video camera... I lost my families video camera. I'm still paying for it.
I really want tio go to Europe! I don't have a passport though, not talking to my mom is really difficult because she doesn't want me to have a passport.
It's been more than a year since I've been to my mom's house. I don't know how I feel about it anymore. I guess just apathetic.

I have decided this week is going to be my sobriety week. I have been smoking a lot lately, to the point where three bowls isn't even getting me that high.
Also whenever I smoke that much I end up so tired. I feel like I am constantly dragging myself places and my eyelids are always so heavy. Therefore this week is my sobriety week!!

You know when you are looking into the mirror and you stare yourself in the eyes? That is one of the strangest things ever, it's like strangely not awkward but at the same time so mysterious. It's like you finally realize you're a person, but in the weirdest way, because not only are you diving into yourself but yourself is diving into you. Does that make any sense?
You know what else is weird about being alone with mirrors? When you make the most ridiculous faces into it, not even just funny faces that you make around your friends like THE most ridiculous faces. Being alone with your own self is sometimes really strange. One of the weirdest things is watching yourself talk. I usually get annoyed with myself.

Whenever I drive I get really streesed out. If I see someone in my rearview mirror I either think they are going to follow me to my house and brutally kill me or I think they're a cop.
I don't actually think I'm going to be killed I just have a really wild imagination, an entire horror movie flashes through my eyes.
I hate suspence.

Whenever I am watching a horror film and the music is all tense and the lighting is low I freak out. I literally bury my face into the closest thing to me. When I went to see "The Last Exorcism" I was buried in Melina's arm for a lot of it. The movie wasn't even that scary!!

I've started the book Running With Scissors, I never want to put it down!
I really suggest everyone read it.

I love how while you are typing a blog it is constantly being auto saved. What if it was lost, would that really matter. I wish word documents would auto save, do they auto save?

I really just want to start drawing in my AP art class but alas MADAME FUSCO would rather talk at us all class. Art class is like the only class I ever want to get down to business (to defeat the huns) in and it's the only class where my teachers talk at me for the whole class. I love being a co owner of the senior art studio. I also love owning the big locker ;)
That's enough for today, I kinda missed blogging.

HIT ME

Over the weekend I went to Boston and stayed with Jeff at his dorm. It made me realize how much I need college!!!
Any more of this high school and I'm gonna die.

Lately I have felt more independent. I really enjoy doing things on my own like taking the train and just making important choices. I am one foot out the door and it has never felt so good.
As of late I have become a little bit self obsessed, I mean it's not too bad but it's kind of annoying. I like to dress up, I like to try and look good, is that bad? You know, it's not that annoying I'm just really self aware. I'm babbling.

We watched The Labotomist in my Psychology class. Overall it was terrifying, to think that we used to do things like dislodge peoples frontal lobes.
I'm sitting here watching the Gilmore Girls, I love this show.

I want to live in Boston so bad, I need to re take the SATs. I have so much shit to do and so little time to do it! These next couple of months are going to be the most stressful ones of my life. I just want to get into college.

My Contemporary Problems class might be the death of me, I don't mean to sound rude but I really can't stand AE kids and it is an AE AF class.
The Gilmore Girls reminds me of how much I love weird quirky relationships.

I need to find myself a soulmate, cliche right? Whatever, I know we are all looking for someone but I guess I'm just part of the norm.
Ah, mood status update; well as of now I feel strangely wired and really annoyed. I don't know why but things have been annoying me today, like the smallest things.

Right now I want to do nothing more than sleep forever, I love dreaming, I love Kid Cudi.

I've been really sore all day, I think it's from dranking on Saturday night. I really can't wait for college (unless you didn't know).
I am going to shave the side of my hair. Like not all of it and not the bangs, just like part of the side. I need change, something different. Maybe I'll shave my face off, or rip it off. You know when you want to rip your face off?

Lately I've been breaking out lately, I hate it more than anything in the world. It just really grosses me out.

Hospitals are so weird, the way they depict them on television is so strange. In reality, it's so much more white, hospitals are forever dreamlands. They're so cloudy, so strange. The last time I went to the hospital (for myself) I was really stoned it was April 20th 2008. LAWL

I need to be slapped! Slap me back to my senses!!
Alright, I'm done here.

I love Unitarian drum circles

So this weekend was really good. I camped in Melina's back yard with a bunch of people I love and went to a drum circle in Grafton. And now I'm sitting here vaguely sick watching the VMA's. Lady Gaga is taking over.
I miss my dad a whole lot, he's in Finland right now. He goes away a bunch on business to Europe which is weird and new to me.

I want to get senior year over with, this is ridiculous. I can't handle another year at Wachusett.
But not really, I am looking foreward to enjoying my last year of high school. I love a lot of the teachers there and I feel like they respect me too. Senior year is so different. I can't even remember freshman year... Yes I can.
What a weird year, I came out of the closet that year!

As of late I've wanted to be alone, not because I'm sad or because I don't love my friends; I think I just want to figure out who I am. Get to know myself better.

When I was dancing in the drum circle last night I realized how much I want to break away and become something so small, like a single drum beat.
I want to dance on broken glass.
I also want to be submerged in freezing cold water right now.

My face is really cold, but only my chin. Just in case anyone wanted to know.
Lately I've felt really un sexual. I'm perfectly content being single. I'm sure eventually that might change.

Whenever I drive I think about how much I trust other drivers and how much they trust me. I think about how if I wanted to I could just swerve off my side right into the front of them and how they could do the same. What if someone snaps and crushes the front of my car.
I guess I'd probably die right?

It's kind of morbid but it's what I think about.
I get really stressed out when I drive. Things have been stressing me out lately. Dumb things that aren't even important.

Anyways, that's all I have to say today. Mood status; tired and anxious, but happy.

I thought it was Summer?

I guess I'll start doing this again.
I think I'm starting to get sick, which is rough. I hate being sick unless I'm cuddled up in bed with a warm cup of tea or a water bottle of juice. One time my mom had me drink a water bottle of chicken broth. That was disgusting.

Summer has sadly come to a close and although I do feel sad about it I just want to finish my senior year. I'm a SENIOR, I had my last first day of school and I'm about to be chewed up and spit out into the real world. I'll have slime and saliva and snot all over me but I think I'll like it better. Anything will be better than living in Sterling.

So just like three seconds ago I had this searing pain through my head, why does stuff like that happen, what causes that?
Anyways, it's really cold out today and I just want to sleep. Whenever I start to blog I just get really apathetic and cold.

This year I'm going to be so well dressed, I want to win best dressed! Vote for me... if you're reading this. Also, my AP art work was lacking, I guess I shouldn't have done it in one night. Excuses excuses right?

I'm really stressed about all of this college stuff, I want to fast forward to the last month of school, when everything is done and I've been accepted into one of the many colleges I apply to.
I miss all my friends that are gone away to college. I want to trap them in a room until I go away to college so that we can all share the experience together... Not really though, that's kinda weird.
Does anyone even blog anymore?
Let me rephrase that, does anyone even read my blog anymore?

I guess if they don't it's their gain. Mood status; weirdly apathetic and cold..
This is always my pre sickness mood.
I'm going to start blogging more often, just for the whole writing skills thing. Also I really enjoy writing happy blog posts, today is too dreary to do that.
You know when you're about to cough so you put your face up to the sky and your neck get thus weird tight feeling that makes you need to cough even more? I always do that when I need to cough, I don't know why. Does anyone else do that?
Anyways, I'm done.

Forever

Okay, so I've wanted to blog for like this entire week but have been way too exhausted.
ANYWAY today I guarded with one of my favorite people in the world. ALSO I got my license which is so cool. It feels so weird to drive alone, something I have never really done before. The first thing I did was make myself a mix CD for the car.
I just got back from my vacation this week. It was much too long. You know when you're on vacation and you want all of your friends social lives to stand still? Well that was like seven or eight straight days for me. Way to many.

I really wanna do something, work makes it so impossible to sleep over anywhwere. Kayt's dad is leaving though so I can sleep over her house, SHOUTOUT. God this is one of my most obnoxious blogs.
I feel so itchy right now, I also cleaned my entire room in like a frantic panic. I hate when my room is too messy and usually end up making it beautiful. All day I worried about it! But now it's clean, I even changed my sheets. I love when you change your sheets and you are clean and you are laying under then and they're so cool and crisp (vomit, I hate the word crisp) and there is a fan on you? That is going to be my night tonight.
I haven't started ANY AP art stuff. It's making me so nervous, I just want to get it done but I have literally no time.

Now that I'm in the third week of camp I have fallen back in love with all of the campers. They are so cute! I've realized that it is so easy to have your day made by a first or second grader as long as they pay attention to you or tell you that you're their favorite counselor. It's like I am the child and they hold all the power. There are always the demon seeds though. They make work a little bit harder, but hardly. My arm is filled with gimp and beads and silly bands from campers and I hate silly bands.

I bought so many new clothes on vacation. A little unecessary and over indulgent but whatever. We only live once right?
Yesterday I got to hang out with two of my closest friends whom I haven't seen since before I went on vacation. I love bonding. I love the kinda friend where you can pick up where you ended. I also realized how much I love it when people drunk dial me. Obviously not as much as when I drunk dial people.

I LOVE GREASE!

Okay that's about all I had to say, stay classy blog readers. ;)

New Hampshire

Vacation is both an excellent and a terrible thing. The escape from home, the relaxing poolside nights, the daily hikes; now those are the excellent things. But there is always something, one little thing ruining the nice relaxing time. Most of the time it's a family member complaining about their feet hurting or how they want to do something else or making the entire family stop to take a lame family picture in front of a sunset or some shit.

But overall I'm having an excellent time, the air up here is so refreshing. Every breath is like a new realization that I NEED to spend the rest of my life up north. I would love to wake up every day and hike a new trail and just live deep in the wilderness.
Yesterday I was walking into the cabin that we were staying at, on my way there I witnessed a RACCOON! It was so awesome, they really do look like little buglars. I got down on my hands and knees so that I wouldn't scare him (I presume it was a him), but I think that make matters worse.

The place that I am staying at is my stepmom's boss'. It's really beautiful, like I could live here. Whenever I get here though I always look at the art that my stepmom's boss' daughter made. For some reason it always weirdly bugs me, well it did always weirdly bug me. But at the moment I'm realizing that I am no art critic, and criticizing art isn't going to make me any better or any worse. That's her style and who am I to judge.
I miss childhood, no judgement. I hate the fact that anyone better looking than me or anyone that has a cool watch or car or something is automatically judged in my head. What I need is to be happy with what I have, what I need is to stop HATING everything and start to accept it and embrace it. I think that's what everyone needs to do; coexist.

It's really hard to blog without spell check, I'm a terrible TERRIBLE speller. It's one of my downfalls other than the fact that I have no visual memory. Well for the most part.
One of my strengths is the fact that I am really good at memorizing songs, I have like a library of songs that I have 80% to 90% of the words memorized. It's pretty extreme.

You know when you're sitting in a public setting, and your chair squeeks and is sounds suspiciously like a fart? So to let the public know that it wasn't in fact a fart you do it like six billion more times. Well I find that to be a really funny thing that humans do, we like to cover up things that happen so naturally. I mean, even typing the word fart makes me really uncomfortable.
I wish I was more interesting, or had something to talk about.

Let me think...

AHA, I really wanna go to a concert, like really bad. I want to thrash my body around and go insane. I want to get pushed and sweat and be sweat on and just feel flesh against flesh.
I love flesh.
I have discovered some really weird things that I find attractive in men, for instance, FLESH, I love skin. And not like face skin, my favorite skin is arm skin, like the upper arm, also I love thigh skin. Another thing I really like is eyelids. Some people have really beautiful eyelids. And lastly, I love watching men drive...

There you have had a peek inside of my brain. Alright, I'm about done for today, hopefully I'll be able to blog sometime in the near future of my vacation.
peace and blessins.

Goodbye Sterling

Blogging has not been part of my life as of late but I wanted to have one last hoorah before I go on vacation, which I am so excited for. Most vacations I get really upset; I don't want to be with my family, I get sick of the cottage that I stay at, etc. Mostly the family thing.
But this year is different, I am actually really excited to be with my family, although I live with them I don't ever see them. Also I am so excited to get away from Sterling, and the work force, and the drama, and STERLING! I just need to get away from it all in the beautiful mountains of New Hampshire. I want to swim in the icy water, jump from root to root on the tree filled trails, relax out in the cool air.
All of that sounds so god right now, I can't even wait.

One of the best parts of going on vacation is packing, it's like a reminder of all the things I own that I don't really even need. I'll pack them anyways though; to look cool. Cause isn't that what we all worry about on vacation, looking cool...

I got my first paycheck of the year today, 540 dollars or so. Excellent.

Lifeguarding has made me look out for swimmers in every lake and or pool that I visit. I am constantly counting how many people are swimming, who looks like they might be weak; they'll need a closer eye, who looks like they are going to break an unnecessary amount of rules. It's really stressful and I get wicked annoyed when I see the lifeguards on duty not paying attention. I really like having all that power at my job, I get to yell at people, people NEED to listen to me. It's empowering.

A couple days ago I went skinny dipping for the first time at a lake. I felt so free! It was kind of terrifying though, I have a weird fear when I'm not able to see the bottom of lakes. It's like I don't know what's lurking down there; leeches, snakes, turtles. Fitting right, I work at a lake. LAWL!

Okay this is forced. It was nice to blog though.

ooof

Lady Gaga does this version of this Cold Play song, I forget the name of the song.. But back to my point, I love it more than anything. I just love Lady Gaga, if I ever met her I wouldn't know what to say. I hate that interaction is something that humans perfected with words and sign language and facial expressions but we still feel so awkward using it all. Why is it harder to interact with some people than it is with others, why do all silences need to be filled with noise and words, why can't we just enjoy the silence.

As it turns out I'm not in the mood to blog today, I haven't been for a while. I need to become inspired, I'm sure it will happen soon. Until then I'm not going to force all of this weird babble out of myself to try and convey how I feel. Mood status; jittery and excited to go to the rail trail. But a little bit sad, just a little, I couldn't tell you why.

You know I'm no good.

I hate when people think that I'm interested in them. Freshman year I was into some dumb jock boy and he found out about it... and I OBVIOUSLY got over it, but I still feel this awkward tension whenever I see him. Like he still thinks I like him. It's weird, people need to get over themselves, I'm actually really good at getting over people, it takes me like two or three days and then I realize that they aren't into me. And I get over it! Easy as that.

I worked for like 11 hours today, it was so great, I was surrounded by people that I love and I got such great sun! I'm so much more tan!
So I had a really great friendship that's on the brink of collapse. I don't know what to do about it, I guess there isn't anything because I did nothing wrong. I don't even know if it will be saved, can it be salvaged?

Anyways, I don't even believe summer is here yet, I'm still so stressed and I still keep thinking I have finals to study for. I'm so excited to take AP art next year, I think it will be really good for me, to be pushed to the limit. And it will help get me into a good college.

I used to get so confused between "college" and "collage" just like I get so mixed up with Rhode Island and New Hampshire! They're like the same place.
I just feel so weird right now, my mood status is weird, and kinda hurt. Really hurt, and kinda pissed, really pissed. That's a lie, I'm not that hurt or pissed, I just am not gonna let any of this get to me, summer came at a perfect time. I'm working so much! SO MUCH MONEY!!

I'm not interested in anyone right now, it feels kinda good, I'm so sick of dissapointment!!! Whatever, why does everyone think they can't be happy without a significant other, I'm plenty happy with all the friends I have.
ALSO, I MISSED LAKE CAMP AND MY WONDER TWIN SO MUCH!!

Mellow Stress

Before I go to bed I decided I would blog. Today, while I was working on my art final a huge blot of ink fell onto the eye. I tried to dab it off but it just smudged and I got so upset, I really wanted to get it done and be done with Drawing 2 forever. I guess that's not going to happen. Anyways, I had a really good weekend, I got a lot of studying done and I was able to hang out with my friends too!! What a plus.

I can't believe I have like four days of junior year left, I'm going to be a senior in high school, I feel like I was just leaving fifth grade. I'm going to blink and be 42. Fuck, everything is happening so fast.

I saw the movie "Room 1408" it was horrifying, I hate scary movies. Deep down though I love being scared, anything to get an adreneline rush.
The news has such horrible stories on it. I think for every good story there are like twelve bad ones. It really makes viewers depressed.

My mood at the moment is kind of apathetic, kind of tired, and really stressed. I went out to the 99 restaurant today, they had like one vegetarian choice. As of late I've been thinking of giving up, not because I miss meat (which I do sometimes) but because it's so inconvenient.

Jeff gave me old I-Pod, I'm so happy, it was so weird to go like two weeks without portable music. THANKS JEFF!

Alright, I need some sleep so hardcore, I'm so ready to get my ass kicked by the Chem final. But you know what, FOUR MORE DAYS!! FUCK YEAH!

The days are just wasting by, crumpled up and thrown into the garbage bin. The thing is that I don't think the paper is making it into the garbage bin, it's merely falling to the ground; completely unfulfilled. That's what my life has been like over the weekdays. I'm by no means upset or frustrated, I just need adventure. I need to get out of this one horse town and adventure. I want to move to the city sometimes, and just go wild. Hollywood makes drug use so sheik, so beautiful. After watching factory girl I just wanted to shoot up heroin. (Not really obviously).

I love Regina Spektor. Her voice is just so beautiful, so soul tingling.

I really just want to cry, to let all of these unsure emotions out with tears. I don't think I've really cried in like a year. It's not that I don't want to it's just I can't. It isn't very easy for me because I push my emotions deep into every crevice of my body. Sometimes I wish I was really emotional, but I guess that would make me a completely different person. Sorry about all of these weirdly depressing blogs.

I want to become part of the soil, just live underground for a while. I'm sick of this material world, I'm sick of being sucked into judgments and petty worries. All I want to worry about is how my roots will get watered, and I want to get away from all of this digital stuff that I am addicted to. As I say that though, I feel so cliché. WHATEVER! I don't fucking care how cliché I am! I don't care what anyone thinks, is thinking like everyone else a crime!?

Fuck

So I just started listening to this band Neva Dinova, the singer has such a beautiful voice.
My mood as of late is really weird, I feel really connected with it, you know when you become really close friends with your mood. I think you become closer with your mood when it starts to confuse you. Or when it's torturing you.
In my case there's less torture and more confusion. I think I'm just shut off, school is really taking a toll on me.

I just feel completely wiped.
I've noticed that in all my blogs I give a mood update. It's kind of like a mood calendar, I think I will continue to do it.

I am almost finished with the Great Gatsby, what an amazing experience. I think I'm in love with Gatsby. I love tortured souls, and that's exactly what he is. I'm obviously not one hundred percent serious, he's a fictional character.
I don't really know why I'm blogging right now, it's just making me more aware of the fact that school is tomorrow.

You could say that this month and last month were some of the weirdest, most stressful, most painful months of my life.

On a positive note, the weather has been really gorgeous and I have even got some swimming in! My eyes feel like lead at the moment, just kind of drooping. My arms and jello, flailing and stabbing at these keys as if they matter, as if this blog matters. Why do I think this blog matters, is it really for me, or am I just selfishly waiting for comments? I think it's a little bit of both.

I just need something or someone to be filling up my ego at all times, I think I need to be shot down, I'm really not that great, I suck. Whenever someone tells me how nice I am, I die a little inside because secretly I'm not that nice. I really try hard and I do find the positive in a lot of people but there are the people out there that I hate for no reason other than maybe their voice is annoying or they just rub me the wrong way.
Someone please, put me down or spit on me, I need it. I need a taste of reality, all your compliments are nice but I need to be hit with a brick. I'm no Satan but I am certainly not Jesus.

This was a dangerous mood to blog in, I'm going to regret posting this tomorrow.

Emotion Lasso

So, I need to stop liking people that give me the smallest bit of attention. I know I say it a lot but it sucks to be a gay highschool student. There are like what, two choices? I want to find someone that I connect with on a friend level and I want someone I'm attracted to. Hense the reason I have crushed on male friends. But the thing is, I value their friendship way more than relationship with them.

To any of my boy friends that I have crushed on, I apologize for the awkwardness, I don't really want anything more than a really close friendship with you and I always take it way too far. Well I think this has only happened twice. Once a way long time ago and once this year. The thing is, I just lack male friends and, being a male, I need that, so when I finally do get a male friend I WANT TO BE THEIR BEST FREIND. I often confuse this with a crush..

So therefore I apologize for making anything awkward and I shouldn't feel upset/mad at you for following your instinct and chasing females. My relationship with you has nothing to do with a relationship with a female. It took a really long time to realize this but I'm finally getting this. What I'm trying to say is that I value your friendship so much! (You know who you are)

Also, (I needed to get this out somewhere so blogging was all I had) I value my friendship with my best friend so much. She is like literally the world to me, and something she does with a boy shouldn't affect me either, even if it did hurt a bit. We all have human instincts and although I might not be okay with it, that's the role of a best friend.

I love my friends so much, I can't believe I let everything get to me so easily.

There I got everything out, I feel a lot better. I've been in the best kind of moods today, the forgiving kind, the accepting kind.

Bye.

It's Over?

So as I live my life I realize what it's like to be a person. To be hurt, to be happy, to lose friends, and to gain them. I'm no where near all knowing but I think my grasp is getting stronger. I'm not mad by no means as of late, I don't start drama and I don't deal with drama. I guess what might happen is the prosess of drifting.

I wish all of you luck! But to be perfectly honest, that was a lie.

Poetry

My unexplicable dreams are syphoned through a water softener.
I toss and turn through the reveries
And all the while, you flicker, on and off.
You; the broken wire, hanging from my ear.
Sparking...
Bleeding...
Catching fire.
So Eloquently, my eyes roll back into my head
And I surround myself with pity and shame
Deep inside the glass room, with you watching.
You binoculars are no stronger than my microscope;
Expanding...
Reflecting...
Catching light.
To escape your glares and judgements,
I pull your shirt over my head.
It doesn't hide me, it merely detracts you,
who flickers, like the detached wire;
Sparking...
Bleeding...
Slicing my soul.

What is love? Baby don't hurt me.

So Owen Harrelson wanted me to mention him in my blog so I'm doing it rigtht now. Go ahead Owen, soak up your name all over this post.
OWEN HARRELSON

Okay so as of late I just feel kinda strange. I really want to be done with all of this school stuff and I just want to lay in the sun and play with the campers and lifeguard. I'm getting a new lifeguarding swimsuit. This one won't show most of my thighs, sadly.
I hung out with Melina and Jeff last night, I can't beleive we've been friends for so long. It still feels kinda fresh and like we all just met, but there's so much history.

I'm doing things that I'm going to remember for the rest of my life, most of the things I'm doing now are going to turn into memories, for instance; having a blog. Maybe I'll be able to find it later in life and laugh at myself. About how little my problems were, about how I didn't even know what love was, about how little I knew. I can't wait to learn, to fall in and out of love and to live more of this life that I'm bound to live.
Life is an open door, I can't see what's ahead though.

I really just want to learn what love is, I want to mold into someone else and be okay with only hanging out with him. I want to stay up late be more than a friend. WHERE IS COLLEGE!
I'm terrified because I keep counting on college as an answer to all my problems, what if no one wants me there?
I know that might sound crazy to some people but it's human nature to be insecure. The most beautiful people are insecure. I'm not saying that I hate myself or even think I'm ugly, I just worry that only I'm okay with myself because I've gotten over my imperfections. You know the "who could ever love my imperfections" feeling?

I guess I've just been thinkin a lot about love and frienship and college. Nothing to astounding or out there. Just being a regular teenage boy. Well maybe not a regualr teenage boy..

Nothing's Gonna Change

So yesterday was PRAM and overall it was pretty lamesauce. But I still was able to have fun. I realized how self conscious most of Wachusett is. They would rather dry hump one another on the dance floor although totally disgusting and the wrong place to do it because they are afraid to let loose. Or at least that's what I presume.
Although the "dirty dancin" kinda threw me off I still was able to have a lot of fun. Later that night I had great triforce time with Melina and Jeff! We watched Betty White host SNL. Afterwards we all decided we would go to sleep and started walking to our beds very slowly with our heads down when all of a sudden Jeff said, "Do you guys all wanna go upstairs and talk into the wee hours of the night!?" Lets just say it was definately a preview into this summer.

I'm so excited to be working at the lake again this year with all the first and second graders. Whenever I am working there I realize that I want to have a bunch of kids. When and if I do have kids, I want to have a surrogate mother. Not because I have anything against adoption I just want my child to share some of my genes.

I definately didn't get all my dancing out, I want to thrash around and throw my body at people. When I did that last night I didn't feel complete for the whole room wasn't doing it. That's why I really need to go to another show and freak out.

Lately I have been realizing how bad I am with horror movies and stories, whenever I'm watching a really scary movie I can't sit still and I need to look away. And just last night when we were telling scary stories I teared up and was squirming around cause I couldn't take it.
Overall, I just hate them and sometimes torture myself by watching/listening to them.

ANTM season finale is on this Wednesday, I love and hate Tyra Banks at the same time. If you don't take her seriously then she is one of the most hilarious people in the world. I love it when she goes from super classy and serious to HELLA GHETTO!! And this usually happens in the same sentence.
I have a Thoreau critique due for Tuesday, I'm going to do it all tomorrow night, I work really well under pressure.

NAHHHHT!

Ink Blot

I almost forgot to blog today, that would have been hella tragic...

Today was such a good day mood wise, I was laughing and joking throughout most of it. All except my math class but I will not even talk about that class. I've been really obsessed with this song that Jeff showed me called Crime Wave by Crystal Castels. It's so worth looking up, actually don't because you will not stop listening to it! Istayed after today for the Salinger fest, I love J.D. obviously not as much as Sasha Possemato but I really do enjoy his literature. It was a really nice turn out although a lot of kids were there for extra credit. I think that's how death should be dealt with, through the celebration of the persons life. Although it will obviously be sad they did live and leave some memories.

I have such writers block today, I'm going to try and write through it, like when you want your pen to start working so you scribble for an hour waiting for the blue to appear on the near torn paper. That's what this post it, the scribbles that just leave blank indents behind. Maybe I'll get to the blue eventually.

I helped paint some mountains today on one of those HUGE pieces of wood, it's going to go into Davis Hill. I was really proud of what I did to them, I definately helped a ton, they aren't flat anymore. And I don't even paint!

Prom is coming up this weekend, I'm really excited and at the same time kinda sad. Freshman year I promised myself I'd be going with a boy at the least, well that was a lie. My date is very fun though, we're gonna look so glam together.

UHG the blue isn's getting through, I may as well fund a new pen. Sorry for this.

Solitude

I'm sitting on the patio of my deck at the moment. With only a T-Shirt on the wind softly sweeps over my bare flesh and leaves small bumps behind. All of the warmth has been sucked into the center of my core and I am extrememly aware of everything. The sound of me typing is almost as calming as the sound of the wind chimes that are made of bamboo. They lightly bump up against one another and make the faintest hollow sound. This is what I want to be surrounding me at all times. I'm so content, being alone here. Where only my opinion matters, I don't need to prove anything to anyone other than the pollen that lightly falls around me. How easily it can be ruined by a sibling or the phone. I'm not saying that electronics are bad things for that would be extremely hypocritical. I just like being in control of this very moment, I like being able to hog all of its beauty and traquility.

Today was yet another odd day, mentally and emotionally. There's been a lot of imbalance in my routine. I've begun to realize that I'm a person, I do possess emotions. Isn't it so weird; the way the body reasssures you of this. Especially the way it does it; most of the time it's the effect of something extreme.

Cause and effect, that's all life is. If I do this, what is the consequence. It may be good, it may be bad, it also may be neither. I'd much prefer to effect things in the very least, That's why I love this solitude I am being surrounded in right now. I wonder if I could ever just sleep in the woods for a night. I'm terrified of the dark woods though, the thought of the unknown. Especially the dark unknown regions that stretch past my property line. What a foolish thing to be afraid of. I think that's going to be the theme for a couple of weeks; solitude. Or at least as much as I can get. This next month I will become an introvert (or attempt to).

Yuppie?

So I decided that I would pass the time waiting for my driving instructor by blogging. My mood currently could be better, but it's definately getting there. The amount of greenery outside is definately a huge change, I'm baffled everytime I walk into this new vast suburban jungle. I've felt majorly disconnected from my body as of late, I don't think of it as a bad thing.

You know that feeling when you are about to do an action or you're just sitting there and you become so aware of your exsistance? Well that keeps happening to me. A couple of days ago it lasted for about fifteen seconds (which is a lot longer than it sounds). I saw myself from an objective veiw! I kind of understand how other people feel about my presence now. I'm REALLY tall.

I've been really wrapped up into trying to be good looking. It's made me really vain, I don't like it. I loved being ugly and goofy.
... That's a lie, I'm really glad I grew into my limbs and my face. Every few seconds I get swept with this terrible stinging feeling in my stomach.

Prom is coming up this saturday, I've noticed that I've become a really obnoxious vegetarian. I'm even doing it here, I just want everyone to know. You'd think it was some sort of achievement! I can't keep my mind on one thing, it's racing around like a hampster on a wheel. I guess this is life welcoming me with a slap in the face.

The Blues

This weekend was such an effective weekend.

That's the word, effective, very robotic.
That's how my life has been for the past well I can't count. When I get into this mood it seems timeless. I'm traveling in limbo.

I'm seventeen now. What does that mean? I never understood how we determined a year. Isn't it weird how everones mind creates these invisible things and treats them like they exsist. Like state lines and laws and countries and the name of dinosaurs. Why do the dinosaur's have to have those long ass confusing names.
Scientists are pretentious.

I had a lot of moments with nature, and I finished my homework. Tomorrow is easter, my family is having a family birthday party for me.
I've become way to trusting lately, I want to be okay with the fact that the majority of my life is spent alone. I love being surrounded by people though.

I saw an Ox, a Cow, a Cat, a Goose, a Goat, a Dog, and a Fish today. I hope my days start getting better. I've smoked every single day this week. That's probably why I'm so unhappy.
I've changed, and it's a change for the worst, I want me back.

SPAHRAAANG

So spring is finally here and I couldn't be happier.
I just went on the best nature walk I have ever been on. I wore only jeans, a t-shirt, and a cardigan and I was still so comfortable. I saw so much beautiful scenery that has slipped my memory over the dreaded witnter months. The trees were budding, I forget about that every year.

School work is going to be such a hassle today. Maybe I'll do it outside.
I love earth. Wow that was really origional, right? I guess it doesn't have to be, can't everyone share a love for the earth. It's a mezmerizing place, why wouldn't anyone want to love it?

So lately I have become more of an angry vegetarian. I have been yelling at girls with UGG boots. They're made of INSIDE OUT SHEEP. It's really gorss. They shouldn't be mass produced. I know that I'm not going to do anything about it, but I believe that by spreading awareness I'm doing the world a justice.

I got an A on my first film making project, That was the first film I've ever made.
I was really proud.

Well I'm about done here, I think I'm going to go outside and do homework.

Finally, Time to Blog

My life has literally been swamped by drama and homework and exhaustion. I hope people missed my posts cause I certainly missed posting them. We made it to semi finals in drama, although we didn't make it any further I'm glad it's over.

I've realized why I've been so whiny lately about not dating. I've come to the realization that I don't want just anyone, I want my other half. I want someone that gets me completely and therefore I am picky. I guess I'd be willing to wait a really long time.

A couple days ago I dealt with this sensation in which I could hardly hear. It was truely bizzare and REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING. I'm glad I got my hearing back, I was about to rip my ears off.
I'm not failing chemistry which was a huge suprise. Also I'm getting and A- in M Worthy's class. I love her so much, she's one of my favorite teachers.

I saw this play on saturday called "Dog Sees God". It was Charlie Brown and all the kids were teenagers. It made me realize how much I hate high school kids. (Well most high school kids). Sometimes I have moments where I forget I'm actually a person or I'm actually in high school and I feel so serene. Most of the time it's after a great class with interesting people, then I go out into the hallway and hear kids yelling things like "fag" or "retarted". I immediatly remember where the hell I am. Lately I have been trying to fit in a bit to much, I almost forgot who I am.

Why am I a part of this generation? It doesn't make any sense to me...

The Ariboolies of Liberty Street

So, in my English class M. Worthy asked us to write a journal prompt. The question was basically "Who are you?". I thought this could be an interesting blog topic therefore I am going to tell all of my readers who I am. (this will not be my english paper)

My name, Brandon Sills. I guess that's a good start, a name really defines a person and I think of myself as a bubbly, generally happy person. I was born under the star sign of Aries if that means anything to you. Honestly, star signs are pretty interesting. I don't believe in them really, but I'd like to become familiar whith what each of them mean. I have a love for the arts if you didn't know. Most of the time I think of myself as a "good" artist and other times I want to rip up everything I have ever drawn or painted. Like every other person in the world, I am selfish. When I think of things, I usually think of how it will affect me. I'd like to think I'm liked, and that's the impression that I get from people.

I don't want to do this. I don't know myself well enough to do this.
I'll leave that there I guess. What I think of myself will change in another twenty minutes. Does everyone else change opinions about themselves? I'm sure they do.

As of yesterday, it's been a full four months since I've been a vegetarian.
Yay!!

I shoveled a lot of snow today. Although a strenuous task, It's almost rewarding...
Well that was a lie. What a weird thing to do, take something and then put the same exact thing in another place.

I don't know where I'm going with this. At the moment, I couldn't feel more disconnected from my family. You know that thing you do, when someone says something blatantly not funny and you fake laugh to keep them happy? Well I can't even do that to my stepmom anymore. When talking to her my face is a stone. My friend was talking to me today and brought up why we like our friends. I don't like people for the same things. There could be something I hate in someone that I love in another person. It really just depends on the person.

I don't like Forrest Gump, it's really overrated. It's not bad but it's definately not good.
In my film making class we're doing a black and white video and a short video. For my black and white video we're going to have a theme of the seven deadly sins.
I would be excited if i had complete control, I hate group work when I'm not leading. I feel like everyone's idea's but my own are wrong. I guess that's dumb, I should be more open to ideas. I just don't like being walked on.

The play goes up tomorrow, wow, I don't even feel like it's happening. I want to have a school hide and seek game with the drama department. that'd be fuckin rad.

As of today, I'm in a terrible mood.
I hope it goes away soon. I have really bad writers block but I want to blog.

My past couple of days were really good, filled with friends and laughs and rehearsal. But being alone all day and being able to think made me realize that I'm just in a slump

again..

You know that feeling that someone has ripped out your stomach and squeezed it dry? Well that's how I feel. I can't sum up the emotion, just the feeling.
This was a lame blog, sorry for being an angsty teenager, I just needed to write how I feel somewhere.

GOLDEN GIRLS!!

So tonight, I am going to the Golden Girls concert in Worcester and I am so excited. The thing about going to concerts that I don't like is the fact that some people dance way to hardcore. I may be one for ridiculous dancing, but I really don't want to get trampled! It's an actual worry..
I'm not aggressive AT ALL.

At the moment I am at Melina's house, she's showering and I am avoiding any awkward conversations that I might be forced into with her mom. Don't get me wrong, I love Mrs. Cary but I am an awkward person in general.
I'm really glad that I'm a funny person. If i was not funny, I don't know if anyone would wanna be friends with me!

I love Iron and Wine, they do this version of "Such Great Heights" and it is so beautiful. Recently music has been such a big part of my life. But I guess that's just a normal adolescent thing.
Lately I have started making new friends and acquaintances and it's so great!
I love meeting new people and I love when people take interest in me.
I'm a really open person, I will give anyone a try. Well that's not true, but most everyone.

I failed a science test today for sure, I'm pretty upset about it...
I really had to pee though and I couldn't focus and overall I just SUCK at chemistry.

Being so close to Valentines day, I can't help but not think about how I don't have a love interest. It'd be really awesome if someone were to just fall out of the sky into my lap but I don't think that's going to happen. You know, 1 in every 10 people are gay...
I just wish they would come out sooner than later. I don't care that much, but when this time of the year comes, I worry about things like that more than any other time.

I'm going to work on a portfolio if it kills me! Recently someone told me that I should go to art school. I've thought about it a lot and really, I think I'd have a lot of fun there.

I really miss my friend Kayt Kelly. She was the reason my summer was so much fun. This summer is going to be so stellah especially because I'll have my license. Her and I are going to hang like everyday!

I think I set my goals to low, and then sometimes I set them way to high. I need a happy medium. I'm getting closer and closer to it everyday. Wish me luck.

Feelin Good, Feelin Great

Growing up during the era that I did, I heard adults tell me that "I" was special. They told me that "I" would make something of myself.
I believed them.
We all did, didn't we? But really, the adults in our lives really believed it too. They thought that thier kids were different. They thought that thier kids were perfect.
I think we need to be knocked down a couple of pegs, don't you? To be perfectly honest, I'm just another 16 year old, self righteous... child. I'm completely okay with this.
Uh, well maybe not, I really liked believing that I mattered. I know that I do matter to a lot of people, but it's so small scale compared to what we were promised. maybe it was a joke.

Yesterday I was riding the bus and I was listening to Animal Collective. It made me realize that Animal Collective never gets old or ceases to impress me. I'm so glad I got into them.
They make the bus ride even more enjoyable.
I look foreward to the bus ride the night before, I love that feeling of moving. I don't NEED to talk to anyone, I can just sit there, listen to music, and daydream

I can't squeeze anything out of my mind at the moment...
I guess I'm done.
I feel excellent by the way.

This has been one of the best weekends of my life. I love surrounding myself with friends and just having fun more than anything in the world.
It really made me realize how great my friends are.
I really under appreciate my friends. They deserve so much more credit than they get. Constantly being there for me, all of our inside jokes, putting up with how annoying I can be sometimes. I really need to stop thinking about how many friends that I want and focus on all the great friends that I have.

When I was younger, I used to think that I was such a punk ass kid. I used to listen to Avril Lavigne and skate board and never wear my coat out to recess.
It was actually hilarious, I wonder what those poor teachers thought of me.

Pastel colors are my favorite colors.
Whenever I paint those are the only colors that I use. Most of the time it doesn't work out for me but I just love them so much. I think it's because I like soft things, I don't enjoy things or people that are too aggresive. Okay that's a lie, most of my friends are aggresive...

I've completely gotten over sexual frustration. I don't even care that much anymore, I'm really glad that I'm a virgin. Ohh what a weird thing to bring up.
Why is it embarrassing to be a virgin? Is it? I don't think it is. I don't think it's a bad thing not to be a virgin either. I'm just glad I'm not dying for relations.

My dreams have been extremely unsettling lately. I think it's because I've been changing lately. Not in a good or bad way, just changing. If i had to choose though, I'd say it's for the better. I'm so much more sociable, just talk to me! That's what I'm constantly thinking. I don't get that feeling like "I want to talk to someone but I don't really know them." I just love meeting people. Even if I end up hating them, (which would be extremely unlikely) I would like to give everyone a try.

You know when you see someone from school or work that you're hardly aquainted with outside of school or work and you just pretend you don't see them?
Or when it's you and one other person that you never talk to and that moment is not going to change anything?
Well I'm going to start being the person who waves first, or who talks first. I think in the end it'll make me a better judge of character, and over all, less afraid of confrentation.

I love goals. They make everything easier, I've got a couple recently. I don't know where to start though.

I'm workin on it?

So I had rehearsal today. I'm really glad I'm a Tiger. It's so much fun to act like. Although by the end my legs hurt from the floor, and my pants are basically grey with dust, I love it so much. My love scene with Melina is going to be som much fun. The only problem is that we need to keep from laughing.

I've had such a weird day, I haven't been in the sunlight for about two weeks...

It's weird, getting older. Closer to my license, Closer to college, Closer to, well I don't know. I drink Diet soda, I don't know why.
I'm kinda upset honestly, I don't know at what though? I guess it's weird to care recently. I used to bottle up all my emotions. I could literally disconnect myslef from a problem so easily. Lately, I've started getting offended, and putting my opinion out there. I DON'T want to be walked all over...
It's a healthier lifestyle though.

Everyday, I look forward to sleping. It's one of the best parts of my day. Don't take this the wrong way, I'm far from depressed, I just love sleeping. I never really realize how amazing it is.

I learned the word quaff today. It's the word of the day for me. Wow this is going no-where. I should stop blogging after reading. I want my mind to be clear.

Throughout the day I've become more and more angry about the general beleif about gay people. Men mostly.
For the information of the general public, homsexual men are not going to rape you just be cause you are another guy. They are not sex crazed horomonal, molesters that are dying to prey on all other men that are weaker than them. I don't know where the fuck this idea originated. God forbid I find someone of the same sex attractive, right? I mean GOD FORBID I have a CRUSH on someone of my same sex even though I have determined that I have a preference of guys.

Why is it okay for straight men to sit in a circle and talk about all the girls they want to fuck and how they think all these girls are hot and how they would do ungodly things to them. I have no freaking idea!

I'm just out of words, honestly (if you couldn't tell) I'm obviously angered. I really wish Wachusett was less ignorant, I know a lot of people that are very open. I guess I'll just surroun myself with them.

Sally Sells Sea Shells By The Sea Shore

I've discovered that most of my thoughts orbit around my friends. Do you think it's bad to put so much trust and love into these people? Some of them are friends that I've had for a while and other's that I've had since this year...
I think it's alright, I mean if they do just get up and walk away one day maybe it'll be the slap in the face I need. I've been slapped in the face so many times, all of them being a joke. I wonder what it would feel like to hurt someone so badly that their first instinct would be to slap me in the face. I guess I would have deserved it.

I trust a lot of people, like a lot of people...
Well I guess not too many people, but enough. Let's put it into perspective, if everyone that I have ever confided in and trusted with anything were to tell everyone my secrets.. Well there would be a lot of secrets about me being spewed around. I don't want to come off like I care to much, I really don't think I would care if everyone knew my secrets. I think I would care if all my friends betrayed me like that. I'm going in circles, I'm sorry.

My feet are freezing, I want some slippers. That would be a useful way to spend money. I'm so bad at spending money. Well actually I'm so bad at saving money. That's something I'm going to do this summer if it kills me.

I don't understand some most of the underclassmen in Wachusett. They are all clones of one another and it really scares me. What are they going to be like when they need to actually make a decision or do something with the world and they don't have their parents to protect them. What will they do when they can't buy eye liner, or some new 100 dollar shoes? It's terrifying to think that these people will be our politicians, our teachers, our police force!! I think that I am over analyzing this, they're still kids and they still have time to mature, I just hope it happens fast.

It's such a beautiful day out today, I'll most likely spend it inside though. Remeber childhood? Remember when you would get up early on the weekends and put all your snow gear on and play in the snow until it got dark outside? You didn't need anyone to be with you, you didn't need any friends to come over because you had your imagination and the snow. And with those two things you could do just about anything.

When I was a little kid, I used to play with my sisters barbie dolls...
My parents were so unhappy about this. I don't know why. I mean I guess when I was born they though "Oh a son, someone who will watch football and play sports and play with other boys." They were dead wrong. Yeah they tried to make me a quinessential boy, I was forced into baseball for six years. My dad tells this story, when I was about six, he was watching some superbowl game, he went upstairs to see what I was doing and wanted to invite me down to watch but I was playing with those satanic barbie dolls. They made me ashamed of what I played with.

I'm not complaining, I'm just getting things out of my head, things that I've kept a secret. It makes sense when it's written. I wasn't doing anythign wrong. How could I be? I was a child...
I'm at the age now where I can make mistakes. I can get in trouble and I can do things that are wrong. I do things that are wrong. I get caught and I am repremanded. I was a really well behaved child.

This is another blog that makes me realize that I hate blogging. But I really do enjoy blogging, if anything it lets me keep up with myslef, and I can go back and read things that I have posted and laugh at myself. I guess that's what I never realized, I'm doing this for myself. I am a human being, the most selfish of creatures. I'm no different than anyone else because in reality, none of us are "special" like we were told as children. We're all just selfish teenage kids that want a goddamn break fom all the emotional and physical stress we undergo.

I guess I'm generalizing, some people believe they're special and who am I to put a damper on that. I'm not depressed, quite the contrary, I'm very happy at the moment. I guess my writing style just comes off complainy. (if that's a word)

I want something new to happen to me, I won't find it sitting here though.

Julie and Julia

At the moment I am watching the movie Julie and Julia. It has really gotten me into a blogging mood, which at the moment is blissful. I don't know what has led me to this new found happiness but I hope that it doesn't go anywhere. Earlier today I was feeling really down, stupidily down, the kind of down where you think you just can't get up. But by the end of the day or week or sometimes even month you are out of that slump. I usually just think to myself "why am I so down?" Although my mood has improved, my writing skills certainly haven't.

I am extremely excited for work this summer. I work at the lake in Sterling, as a part time lifeguard and a full time friend.. I mean camp counselor. I am a counselor to the first and second graders, I absolutely adore them. They are to butter to my toast, they make me want to have a million children. I guess that's my true calling.... camp counselor. GAH! Whatever though, if that's all I'm good at, at least I'm good at something!

Craving meat is not a good part of living as a vegetarian.

When i get into a good mood, I want EVERYONE to be in a good mood. I think that's another thing I'm good at, cheering people up. If I can make one person happy, I feel like a million bucks. The only problem that I have with this is listening to people's problems. I mean how much bad news can one take!? But honestly, if I had to give up making people happy, I just wouldn't have a reason to be happy myself.

God, watching myslef type makes me realize that I am so not good at writing. I think that's why I'm in language in comp, I tell everyone it's because I didn't pass in a critique, (which is the truth) but maybe it's just because I SUCK! "LOL".

I slept until 11:00 today, what a great feeling. Throughout this day with myself I think I have become closer... with myself. I have four followers on this thing, (blogspot) and I really don't think any of them read it. This blog is such a joke, or becoming a joke. why the hell should I care that I have 4 followers and that others have like 99482984? Doesn't that sound ridiculous, that I would get upset about the fact that I am not being followed and that people aren't reading everything that's on my mind. What did people do before telephones and computers and automobiles. Oh that's right, they dies of the bubonic plague.

So what if I actually care? I mean who doesn't care what others think or read or write about them!? I looked throgh my facebook today and looked at the different people that wrote on my wall. What was I thinking? By the way, I was at a bad point earlier in the afternoon. I LOVE INSPIRATION!!

So I'm done now, I'm finally done with this ridiculously long drawn out, overly peppy blog.

Mood... still excellent. If anyone reads this, I hope they feel better about the fact that Brandon Sills, the world famous Brandon Sills is in fact a human being with real self consiousness, and spelling errors, and human errors, and emotional high points and low points. I'm so happy that I got to know myslef a little better today. My sister just questioned why my blog is so long. I should stop.

Pathways to the Present

Lately I've been feeling DOWN IN THE DUMPS....

.... I don't know why. I think it's because my mind is fried. Midterms are finally over and I got nothing below a 75! I should be happy, but lately I've been thinking about what I'm good at. And I really can't find anything...



... I can't even write, Ms. Hedberg gave me a B on my critique, but with the amount of gramatical errors, run on sentences, and overall just horrid writing skills, I should have been given a D. Wow a run on sentence, how suprising. She pointed out a lot [of mistake] that I never even realized were there. When I was a kid, I wanted to be an author. Whatever

I'm watching this show about old ganster rap and how it became a big thing. It was so emotional, the whole movement. I really guess I'll never know suffering, in any sense. Literal or figurative suffering. I'm just a "Poor Little Rich Boy".



I guess this blog just turned into me -BITchiNG- that was suppose to look like lips... Look harder, you might be able to see.

I really wish i were a little more okay with being an actual thing. I know that sounds a bit cliche but I really do think about it sometimes. People have started to matter to me, I'm more connected to the world. I've discovered that burying emotions isn't a good thing and I've begun caring about people. I'm having major idea block.

Sorry for this blog, I think it's the lack of sunlight I'm getting, isn't that what I should do? Find an exscuse for regular human instinct..

Blame

So apparently my stepmoms concerta bottle went missing, well that sucks. What sucks even more is that I'm being blamed for it completely. Obviously I'm not the greatest kid and obviously I've done things that could make people mistrust me, but if I were to steal a bottle of pills that are still in use everyday thinking I wouldn't be caught, then I would rightfully deserve the name stupid. You know that feeling that anything you say or do won't be listened to or even taken into account, well that's exactly how i feel. It's the worst feeling that I've ever felt. I guess I'll just have to deal with this blame until it shows up or until they finally decide that i've been so adament about the fact that I didn't steal it, that I actually didn't steal it. It really sucks to know that even your own parents can't trust you. Well I guess I'll have to see how it plays out, and I only have one and a half more years in Sterling.

All of my finals are done and although I should be happy I just can't stop this feeling of annoyance and the fact that I just want to leave. At this point in my life I only have to wearable pairs of pants, I really want some more. Also, a new coat, that'd be awesome.

I feel trapped recently, it's probably just because of today. I'll have to be like Annie and just be optimistic. A lot worse could happen, I mean I could be stuck in the jungle with no food or water. I guess I'll have to keep thinking of that.

My Persona

Lately, I've really wanted to express who i am as a person. I'm sick of that phrase "you are who you associate with." I want to get to know Brandon Sills a lot more. So far i have discovered that i love my sexuality. I love wearing bright fabulous clothing and being "trendy." Just because I'm becoming more of a steriotypical gay guy doesn't mean I'm trying to be something I'm not. I used to think that being part of something made me less of an individual, but isn't everyone looking for something bugger than themselves? And if it makes me blissful then why shouldn't I keep at it.

So I made the play, (as a minor role) and I was really happy about it. The production doesn't look too promising to me therefore i'd much rather not be remembered by this play. I also am really excited to work with the cast, I love drama kids so much.

In my Algebra 2 class, there is a large amount of sophomores. Overall they disgust me. They are constantly calling one another "Gay" and "Fag" and they tell one another that they're having relations with one anothers dead grandmothers. The direction in which this generation is going really terrifies me. Most of them are extremely closed minded and can't even make there own opinions without the consent of their more popular peers. It's like there is one universal mind that thinks and makes opinions for all of these immature children.

When i hear people use words like Gay and other derogatory remarks, I do get offended. I'm terrified of confrontation, which makes it hard to speak my mind. But it really does hurt me, whenever i hear one of those words used in a negative sense it's like getting stabbed in the stomach. What caused Homosexuality to be such a negative thing? Although it does offend me, I can let it go, I really hope being a bigger person works out for me.

I can't wait until college, to step onto that college campus. Although I'm going to have to wait a year and a half, I can't help but look foreward too it. I can't wait to walk into a class where everyone cares about what they're learning. The new experiences! Just thinking about it makes me happy. I guess overall, I'm a happy kid. I wouldn't want to be that cliche depressed high school kid. I'm excited to live and everyday i wake up a new revitalized person.

Inspiration?

So totally awesome is going to be my blog title until further notice.

I have a problem with inspiration, or deciding on how i'm going to act upon my inspiration. Sometimes i write poetry, and by sometimes i mean like a year ago. I wish i was better at art, because i really want to draw certain things and i really want to paint certain things but i just don't have that capability. You could call that lack of trying though. I guess what I am is lazy, I'm going to fix that though. Some kids in my grade have such drive. It's like they're constantly hopped up on ADD meds. Obviously they aren't they just really care about their futures, and i really respect that. Lately i have been really into a band called Beirut. i think that they have been inspiring me. A lot of my friends know exactly what they are going to do with their lives, most of my days recently have been filled with worrying about what the hell I'm going to do when i get out of college. I'm getting over the fact that i don't know what to do, life is going to have to be a journey and i think I'm becoming more okay with that. Midterms have really gotten the best of me, I'm determined to do well on them. I've ever really cared about grades this much but I'm pretty sure it's because of Mel Mel. Also Glee has become a HUGE part of my life, I'm a total Gleek. Obviously my favorite character is Kurt and as lame as this sounds i really relate to him. They are holding open auditions for Glee in February. That's one thing that I think i have a talent in; acting. I love being on stage, and being in Wachusett Drama has opened so many doors for me. Becoming a famous actor is obviously reaching for the stars but, if I don't set high expectations then I won't get anywhere in life. It all comes down to inspiration... as I get older though, it takes so much more to inspire me. I'm going to work on that, I really miss my childhood innosence. I miss a lot. May as well stop whining though, when life throws you lemons, MAKE SOME KICK ASS LEMONADE.