water

This is the third time I have tried to pick up blogging again since my last post.
I missed school today, I wasn't really that sick. I keep thinking of myself as falling, I don't know why but I can't land. Lately I've been in the worst of moods, call me... loveless.

Today I watched the movie "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly." It was one of the most beautiful films I have ever seen.
I've been thinking a lot about my art concentration, I think I have finally figured out what my word is going to be; enlightenment.
Throughout my highschool career I have wanted nothing more than to become a person, to finally grow out of my boring childish self and become something that matters. I definately haven't reached that point yet but I do believe I am on the right path.

My mind is clustered with thoughts at all times, I want some peace, I want to get away from these egotisms. I think what I really want is to stop caring about others judgements. A thought that is constantly running through my head is "I wonder if so and so likes me."
Lately I have wanted nothing more than to sit alone in my room and paint all day, I'm tired of people, and forced interaction. Don't get me wrong I do love other people and I do need to communicate I just feel frustrated. I want to be able to feel utterly alone for some time.
I want to travel, I want to go somewhere that isn't Massachusetts. I really miss the white mountains. Every year I go up to the white mountains and climb at least one with my dad. The way it feels to be surrounded by trees and dirt and bugs is so excellent.

Lately I've felt a bit underwater. I really want to resurface. I don't feel like my regular happy self. I guess this is adolescense. I hate feeling or talking about feeling bad. Whenever I begin to I think I'm being dramatic or annoying. Resurfacing may not be what I need though, maybe I need to explore underwater a bit more, it has certainly been inspiring. What an emotional journey life is, we are shot out into this cold and bright world and forced to live a certain way and then we die.
I suppose I should be living life to the fullest, but what is life without emotion?

I think the reason I don't blog is because i'm not very good with words. I wish I had a larger vocabulary.
I have a whole new appreciation for winter lately. I have been enoying the darkness that has been coming earlier and earlier. I also enjoy the lack of life, not in a cynical and depressing way I just think it's beautiful and barren.

I want to be in love I think. It's something I've never been able to experience.. I wonder what it's like.
It looks so fulfilling and fun. I think it's exactly what I need to be able to resurface.