Usually when I am dead broke I am not in the middle of a big city I am at home and can possibly ask my dad for money if I am desperate enough. I feel so bad because everyone wants to do something and I just feel so helpless saying "I can't i have no money". Next year I am going to get so much better at not spending all of it. First semester is over! I feel a whirlwind of feelings about it. I am so happy that I do not have to wake up at 8 AM for a while and that there are no more reasons for me to pull three all nighters in a row! But it is all so bittersweet. I will miss waking up to the Green line telling people to exit out of the doors on the right and for my friends to come bustling into my room at all hours laughing and talking. It's exciting living here with people so similar to me. Home is going to be different this summer. I think that I am going to like it but then again i will probably just wish it away. I feel like as you get older you just wish your life away. You wish this deadline was over and you wish the holidays were over... you wish you were older and that you could just finally go to a bar and drink! But none of that is really important when it comes down to it. I want to just exist and be happy within my existence. I feel like it's important to not take anything for granted, our times on this earth are so short and we have so little time to express our love to people that we care about. All I want to do this summer is to create some kick ass art and get tan as fuck. I want to drive around Holden and get drunk with some close friends. I want to save my money and become a little bit more responsible. The thing about responsibility is that some people think you have to lose your goofy side when you gain this new personality trait when really maturity is not always being so rigid and uptight. I like to know that I am still fun and that I don't need to take life so seriously when in fact it is such a short thing. I guess this post has helped me come to the conclusion that although I may not have any money I can still have fun this last week in Boston. All I want to do is surround myself with wonderful people and go outside. Boston I will miss you too much for the next couple of months.

So Relevant

Summertime Sadness (135)

Two Weeks

There are two weeks left here. Two weeks to sleep in the middle of the city, two weeks to wake up to my room-mates playing music, two weeks to have something interesting to do everyday. I really don't want to go back home. I miss my family I guess, I never thought that I would be the type to want to move on from home so badly.

It might be nice though, this will be my last year at the lake. I get to interview potential employees. I had a dream about working there, there was a lot going on though. I still have to pay this medical bill that has just been stressing me out to no end. I keep thinking that it is getting handled and they just keep sending me bills.
It makes me never want to go to the hospital again, it was such a dumb reason too! Whatever though I guess I still do need home. I need my parents to do things like that for me because if they don't I will just forget about them.

Next year I really want to work at Blick, during the beginning of the semester I would head down there everyday asking if they were hiring. It's too late to get a job now...

I still feel weird; empty almost. I hate it because I can usually talk myself out of feeling like this. It might be weird to see friends from high school this summer, for some of them I feel like there is a distance that I have tried but failed to control. I think my problem is that I want to figure out so many other peoples issues. don't get me wrong this does not make me a hero or nice guy in the least, it's just me trying to avoid mine. It reminds me of the idea that a landscapers lawn looks like shit or a house cleaners house is a mess. I'm by no means a mess, I feel pretty good most of the time.

I have to finish this final for my Visual Language 2 class, I'm writing a children's book with all of these alliterations. It's tedious but so satisfying to finally be doing something that I really want to do.

I want something to happen to me, nothing major I just need to be slapped back down to reality. I've been getting kind of self obsessed. It's weird to admit that, I have also been trying to avoid dealing with that. The thing is that I promised myself I would never become one of those boys that live in the city that lose touch with themselves. I don't think I am anywhere close to that but I need to keep in check with myself to keep that from happening.

I want to do so many paintings this summer, I took a painting class with this insane professor this year who just made me so glad that my high school painting teacher was able to teach me all that he did. I didn't get much out of that class.

I want to get some ice cream, I want to delete myself off the internet. My phone broke recently, I have no means of communication and it has been so wonderful. I don't miss checking it every five minutes or waiting for people to respond to my texts. I guess it's easier now because I live with all my friends. I plan on re entering the cellular world this weekend.

I really do not want to leave here, I'm looking out my window at my school. There's this beautiful white tree. I hope before I leave I can watch it change to green. The on thing that I do miss is the stars though, I really want to go for a sky walk.

Lately I have gotten really into Lana Del Rey, maybe I can blame my empty feelings on that.

It's weird to almost be done with my first year of college. I feel like it's all been a blur, I have grown an exponential amount and met so many wonderful people.

I thought I was going to have a lot to write about but all of my thoughts are so overwhelming. I literally went onto blogger and realized how lame my life was and probably still kind of is. People always seem so impressed or think it's so strange that I attend an art college, I don't see why. I feel like if anything I'm just stuffed into this place with all of these people trying so hard to be different when in fact we are all exactly the same.
We're all people, we crave attention and love, we emote and keep things to ourselves and yet everyone tries so hard to be an individual. It's kind of cynical of me to be writing about this but human beings are just such an interesting concept to me. I did this piece made of cardboard and wax; when I was creating it my intention was to make a commentary on the fact that when someone expresses feelings towards you, not just love and real feeling, they open up and become that much more real. What I ended up figuring out though is that this realness is merely uniformity.

Don't get me wrong, I love it here. I don't much mind being just like everyone else it's almost reassuring.

this year has been so crazy, for the most part I would consider myself happy. I say for the most part because lately I have entered some sort of weird slump. It may be the mixture of finals and sleepless nights and the fact that I'm leaving but I know there is something else.
I have such a problem with falling in love with everyone that I find interesting or good looking and then not acting upon it at all. A friend told me to do one thing everyday that scares me. For some reason walking up to a person who as I stated before is almost exactly the same as me and even mentioning that I find them interesting scares the shit out of me. It's like my entire life I have just skipped over that process.

It's so much easier to just not care about someone and pretend that you do. I just got into this thing with this boy who I have no intention of dating. I ended it. I feel like this might just be life until I can just get over my fear of actually confronting people.

By the end of the year I am going to talk to or flirt or even go as far as to confess my feelings to one person that I am interested in. Maybe finals week is the perfect time, I'll go completely insane and have no filter.

I think I'm interested in another straight boy.

For the most part though I am extremely satisfied with life. I got an apartment for next year!! I'm living with three wonderful girls who I am so excited to spend every waking moment with. I'm also doing well in school. It's weird; my classes are five hours and some of my teachers are so insane and I wouldn't change it for the world. I also declared my major: Illustration.
People keep stressing me out about it though. They tell me "say goodbye to sleep and a social life.: I don't know though I'm sure I'll be fine...

I remember this time last year, I just got accepted into college. I was so much less mature than I am now. The first day I got to MassArt I smoked weed with my room-mate, I remember lying in bed freaking out about why I am even here and if I am ready to live away from home. Now I'm already planning this summer to be my last summer at home.

I'm glad I remembered I have this, it's nice to vent and know that no one will read this.

As of late I can't think of anything but the future. I feel like I've done everything I could do in this point in my life and now all I can do is wait. I don't mind the wait, it would be better if I were done applying to college..

At the beginning of the winter I thought that I actually missed winter... I was terribly wrong. I hate being cold all the time and I hate being sick all the time.
All I want to do lately is create, I have started oil painting and it has become one of my favorite things to do. I feel like as I'm getting older art is becoming more important to me.

Winter also brings about less sunlight, and I miss the sunlight I also miss being barefoot.
My eighteenth birthday is so soon! Also, I am going on a cruise in March, I am so excited! I love boats and I LOVE the tropics. I haven't seen a palm tree in so long. I'm really glad I received a nice camera for Christmas because I'm going to take a billion pictures! I am also going to bring all my art supplies down; I'll make Ms. Fusco proud.

Kill Bill is one of the best films ever created. When I watch a film like that I get so inspired, I wish I had a video camera I would film mad movies.

Lately I have been obsessed with Biggie, he had such a soul. I love when you can see the soul in a person. A lot of my generation is soul less which is so sad.
I can't take high school kids anymore, well the younger ones.

My dad is coming back from Europe today, I haven't seen him in two weeks! It's weird when he's gone, he goes on business trips a lot.

My head is pounding, again I hate being sick. I feel like there is someone beating on my head with a drum stick.
This weekend I have become so much more aware of the influence of commercials. You know when you see someone on TV doing something like taking Advil or putting on chapstick and you immediately feel the need to do the same thing?

I don't have that much to talk about today..
I really want to become a ninja. lol

Happy Birthday JENNIFER

There are like four days until Christmas and yet I am no where near in the Christmas spirit!!
I think it's because all the stress.

Although I don't talk to my mom anymore I really dislike it when my family talks negatively abour her. It almost seems wrong. She did give birth to me, right?

Anyways, my race to finish my college things are almost done! It feels damn good. I want to sleep for an eternity. I have noticed that I talk about what I want on this blog a lot, I'm going to say what I don't want. I don't want to not get accepted into college, I don't want AIDS, I don't want the plague.

As I sat today, painting in my AP art class I realized that I love art all over again. For a while I was worrying about going to an art college but I'm really not afraid at all, bring it on. I want someone to make a movie with me! Any volunteers?!

FAIL BLOG. Whatevah it felt good to write something.
Writing is one of the best things, everytime I blog I feel better afterwards, it's like taking a burden off of my soul. Speaking of souls, I feel like my soul needs some watering. I want it to grow and flourish like a tree. What if I was a tree? That's be an interesting life to lead growing and splitting. I guess I do that anyways.

I saw two really great films this week, I saw Donnie Darko and Pan's Labyrinth. They were both such beautiful and intersting movies. I feel like my childhood was depraved, I never saw any great inspiring movies.

The best christmas song ever is All That I Want by The Weepies.
Having a fake christmas tree doesn't help the christmas spirit. Although I have to admit, when it was snowing today I couldn't stop grinning! It's going to snow on christmas, I think it's weird when it doesn't.

Today and yesterday I've been realizing how much I love Melina, I've always known she is great and my best friend and all but these last two days have somehow made us so much closer, I lvoe my mountain llama.
I want to go to Europe, I wonder if the air tastes different over there.

water

This is the third time I have tried to pick up blogging again since my last post.
I missed school today, I wasn't really that sick. I keep thinking of myself as falling, I don't know why but I can't land. Lately I've been in the worst of moods, call me... loveless.

Today I watched the movie "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly." It was one of the most beautiful films I have ever seen.
I've been thinking a lot about my art concentration, I think I have finally figured out what my word is going to be; enlightenment.
Throughout my highschool career I have wanted nothing more than to become a person, to finally grow out of my boring childish self and become something that matters. I definately haven't reached that point yet but I do believe I am on the right path.

My mind is clustered with thoughts at all times, I want some peace, I want to get away from these egotisms. I think what I really want is to stop caring about others judgements. A thought that is constantly running through my head is "I wonder if so and so likes me."
Lately I have wanted nothing more than to sit alone in my room and paint all day, I'm tired of people, and forced interaction. Don't get me wrong I do love other people and I do need to communicate I just feel frustrated. I want to be able to feel utterly alone for some time.
I want to travel, I want to go somewhere that isn't Massachusetts. I really miss the white mountains. Every year I go up to the white mountains and climb at least one with my dad. The way it feels to be surrounded by trees and dirt and bugs is so excellent.

Lately I've felt a bit underwater. I really want to resurface. I don't feel like my regular happy self. I guess this is adolescense. I hate feeling or talking about feeling bad. Whenever I begin to I think I'm being dramatic or annoying. Resurfacing may not be what I need though, maybe I need to explore underwater a bit more, it has certainly been inspiring. What an emotional journey life is, we are shot out into this cold and bright world and forced to live a certain way and then we die.
I suppose I should be living life to the fullest, but what is life without emotion?

I think the reason I don't blog is because i'm not very good with words. I wish I had a larger vocabulary.
I have a whole new appreciation for winter lately. I have been enoying the darkness that has been coming earlier and earlier. I also enjoy the lack of life, not in a cynical and depressing way I just think it's beautiful and barren.

I want to be in love I think. It's something I've never been able to experience.. I wonder what it's like.
It looks so fulfilling and fun. I think it's exactly what I need to be able to resurface.