Emotion Lasso

So, I need to stop liking people that give me the smallest bit of attention. I know I say it a lot but it sucks to be a gay highschool student. There are like what, two choices? I want to find someone that I connect with on a friend level and I want someone I'm attracted to. Hense the reason I have crushed on male friends. But the thing is, I value their friendship way more than relationship with them.

To any of my boy friends that I have crushed on, I apologize for the awkwardness, I don't really want anything more than a really close friendship with you and I always take it way too far. Well I think this has only happened twice. Once a way long time ago and once this year. The thing is, I just lack male friends and, being a male, I need that, so when I finally do get a male friend I WANT TO BE THEIR BEST FREIND. I often confuse this with a crush..

So therefore I apologize for making anything awkward and I shouldn't feel upset/mad at you for following your instinct and chasing females. My relationship with you has nothing to do with a relationship with a female. It took a really long time to realize this but I'm finally getting this. What I'm trying to say is that I value your friendship so much! (You know who you are)

Also, (I needed to get this out somewhere so blogging was all I had) I value my friendship with my best friend so much. She is like literally the world to me, and something she does with a boy shouldn't affect me either, even if it did hurt a bit. We all have human instincts and although I might not be okay with it, that's the role of a best friend.

I love my friends so much, I can't believe I let everything get to me so easily.

There I got everything out, I feel a lot better. I've been in the best kind of moods today, the forgiving kind, the accepting kind.

Bye.

It's Over?

So as I live my life I realize what it's like to be a person. To be hurt, to be happy, to lose friends, and to gain them. I'm no where near all knowing but I think my grasp is getting stronger. I'm not mad by no means as of late, I don't start drama and I don't deal with drama. I guess what might happen is the prosess of drifting.

I wish all of you luck! But to be perfectly honest, that was a lie.

Poetry

My unexplicable dreams are syphoned through a water softener.
I toss and turn through the reveries
And all the while, you flicker, on and off.
You; the broken wire, hanging from my ear.
Sparking...
Bleeding...
Catching fire.
So Eloquently, my eyes roll back into my head
And I surround myself with pity and shame
Deep inside the glass room, with you watching.
You binoculars are no stronger than my microscope;
Expanding...
Reflecting...
Catching light.
To escape your glares and judgements,
I pull your shirt over my head.
It doesn't hide me, it merely detracts you,
who flickers, like the detached wire;
Sparking...
Bleeding...
Slicing my soul.

What is love? Baby don't hurt me.

So Owen Harrelson wanted me to mention him in my blog so I'm doing it rigtht now. Go ahead Owen, soak up your name all over this post.
OWEN HARRELSON

Okay so as of late I just feel kinda strange. I really want to be done with all of this school stuff and I just want to lay in the sun and play with the campers and lifeguard. I'm getting a new lifeguarding swimsuit. This one won't show most of my thighs, sadly.
I hung out with Melina and Jeff last night, I can't beleive we've been friends for so long. It still feels kinda fresh and like we all just met, but there's so much history.

I'm doing things that I'm going to remember for the rest of my life, most of the things I'm doing now are going to turn into memories, for instance; having a blog. Maybe I'll be able to find it later in life and laugh at myself. About how little my problems were, about how I didn't even know what love was, about how little I knew. I can't wait to learn, to fall in and out of love and to live more of this life that I'm bound to live.
Life is an open door, I can't see what's ahead though.

I really just want to learn what love is, I want to mold into someone else and be okay with only hanging out with him. I want to stay up late be more than a friend. WHERE IS COLLEGE!
I'm terrified because I keep counting on college as an answer to all my problems, what if no one wants me there?
I know that might sound crazy to some people but it's human nature to be insecure. The most beautiful people are insecure. I'm not saying that I hate myself or even think I'm ugly, I just worry that only I'm okay with myself because I've gotten over my imperfections. You know the "who could ever love my imperfections" feeling?

I guess I've just been thinkin a lot about love and frienship and college. Nothing to astounding or out there. Just being a regular teenage boy. Well maybe not a regualr teenage boy..

Nothing's Gonna Change

So yesterday was PRAM and overall it was pretty lamesauce. But I still was able to have fun. I realized how self conscious most of Wachusett is. They would rather dry hump one another on the dance floor although totally disgusting and the wrong place to do it because they are afraid to let loose. Or at least that's what I presume.
Although the "dirty dancin" kinda threw me off I still was able to have a lot of fun. Later that night I had great triforce time with Melina and Jeff! We watched Betty White host SNL. Afterwards we all decided we would go to sleep and started walking to our beds very slowly with our heads down when all of a sudden Jeff said, "Do you guys all wanna go upstairs and talk into the wee hours of the night!?" Lets just say it was definately a preview into this summer.

I'm so excited to be working at the lake again this year with all the first and second graders. Whenever I am working there I realize that I want to have a bunch of kids. When and if I do have kids, I want to have a surrogate mother. Not because I have anything against adoption I just want my child to share some of my genes.

I definately didn't get all my dancing out, I want to thrash around and throw my body at people. When I did that last night I didn't feel complete for the whole room wasn't doing it. That's why I really need to go to another show and freak out.

Lately I have been realizing how bad I am with horror movies and stories, whenever I'm watching a really scary movie I can't sit still and I need to look away. And just last night when we were telling scary stories I teared up and was squirming around cause I couldn't take it.
Overall, I just hate them and sometimes torture myself by watching/listening to them.

ANTM season finale is on this Wednesday, I love and hate Tyra Banks at the same time. If you don't take her seriously then she is one of the most hilarious people in the world. I love it when she goes from super classy and serious to HELLA GHETTO!! And this usually happens in the same sentence.
I have a Thoreau critique due for Tuesday, I'm going to do it all tomorrow night, I work really well under pressure.

NAHHHHT!

Ink Blot

I almost forgot to blog today, that would have been hella tragic...

Today was such a good day mood wise, I was laughing and joking throughout most of it. All except my math class but I will not even talk about that class. I've been really obsessed with this song that Jeff showed me called Crime Wave by Crystal Castels. It's so worth looking up, actually don't because you will not stop listening to it! Istayed after today for the Salinger fest, I love J.D. obviously not as much as Sasha Possemato but I really do enjoy his literature. It was a really nice turn out although a lot of kids were there for extra credit. I think that's how death should be dealt with, through the celebration of the persons life. Although it will obviously be sad they did live and leave some memories.

I have such writers block today, I'm going to try and write through it, like when you want your pen to start working so you scribble for an hour waiting for the blue to appear on the near torn paper. That's what this post it, the scribbles that just leave blank indents behind. Maybe I'll get to the blue eventually.

I helped paint some mountains today on one of those HUGE pieces of wood, it's going to go into Davis Hill. I was really proud of what I did to them, I definately helped a ton, they aren't flat anymore. And I don't even paint!

Prom is coming up this weekend, I'm really excited and at the same time kinda sad. Freshman year I promised myself I'd be going with a boy at the least, well that was a lie. My date is very fun though, we're gonna look so glam together.

UHG the blue isn's getting through, I may as well fund a new pen. Sorry for this.

Solitude

I'm sitting on the patio of my deck at the moment. With only a T-Shirt on the wind softly sweeps over my bare flesh and leaves small bumps behind. All of the warmth has been sucked into the center of my core and I am extrememly aware of everything. The sound of me typing is almost as calming as the sound of the wind chimes that are made of bamboo. They lightly bump up against one another and make the faintest hollow sound. This is what I want to be surrounding me at all times. I'm so content, being alone here. Where only my opinion matters, I don't need to prove anything to anyone other than the pollen that lightly falls around me. How easily it can be ruined by a sibling or the phone. I'm not saying that electronics are bad things for that would be extremely hypocritical. I just like being in control of this very moment, I like being able to hog all of its beauty and traquility.

Today was yet another odd day, mentally and emotionally. There's been a lot of imbalance in my routine. I've begun to realize that I'm a person, I do possess emotions. Isn't it so weird; the way the body reasssures you of this. Especially the way it does it; most of the time it's the effect of something extreme.

Cause and effect, that's all life is. If I do this, what is the consequence. It may be good, it may be bad, it also may be neither. I'd much prefer to effect things in the very least, That's why I love this solitude I am being surrounded in right now. I wonder if I could ever just sleep in the woods for a night. I'm terrified of the dark woods though, the thought of the unknown. Especially the dark unknown regions that stretch past my property line. What a foolish thing to be afraid of. I think that's going to be the theme for a couple of weeks; solitude. Or at least as much as I can get. This next month I will become an introvert (or attempt to).

Yuppie?

So I decided that I would pass the time waiting for my driving instructor by blogging. My mood currently could be better, but it's definately getting there. The amount of greenery outside is definately a huge change, I'm baffled everytime I walk into this new vast suburban jungle. I've felt majorly disconnected from my body as of late, I don't think of it as a bad thing.

You know that feeling when you are about to do an action or you're just sitting there and you become so aware of your exsistance? Well that keeps happening to me. A couple of days ago it lasted for about fifteen seconds (which is a lot longer than it sounds). I saw myself from an objective veiw! I kind of understand how other people feel about my presence now. I'm REALLY tall.

I've been really wrapped up into trying to be good looking. It's made me really vain, I don't like it. I loved being ugly and goofy.
... That's a lie, I'm really glad I grew into my limbs and my face. Every few seconds I get swept with this terrible stinging feeling in my stomach.

Prom is coming up this saturday, I've noticed that I've become a really obnoxious vegetarian. I'm even doing it here, I just want everyone to know. You'd think it was some sort of achievement! I can't keep my mind on one thing, it's racing around like a hampster on a wheel. I guess this is life welcoming me with a slap in the face.