Sally Sells Sea Shells By The Sea Shore

I've discovered that most of my thoughts orbit around my friends. Do you think it's bad to put so much trust and love into these people? Some of them are friends that I've had for a while and other's that I've had since this year...
I think it's alright, I mean if they do just get up and walk away one day maybe it'll be the slap in the face I need. I've been slapped in the face so many times, all of them being a joke. I wonder what it would feel like to hurt someone so badly that their first instinct would be to slap me in the face. I guess I would have deserved it.

I trust a lot of people, like a lot of people...
Well I guess not too many people, but enough. Let's put it into perspective, if everyone that I have ever confided in and trusted with anything were to tell everyone my secrets.. Well there would be a lot of secrets about me being spewed around. I don't want to come off like I care to much, I really don't think I would care if everyone knew my secrets. I think I would care if all my friends betrayed me like that. I'm going in circles, I'm sorry.

My feet are freezing, I want some slippers. That would be a useful way to spend money. I'm so bad at spending money. Well actually I'm so bad at saving money. That's something I'm going to do this summer if it kills me.

I don't understand some most of the underclassmen in Wachusett. They are all clones of one another and it really scares me. What are they going to be like when they need to actually make a decision or do something with the world and they don't have their parents to protect them. What will they do when they can't buy eye liner, or some new 100 dollar shoes? It's terrifying to think that these people will be our politicians, our teachers, our police force!! I think that I am over analyzing this, they're still kids and they still have time to mature, I just hope it happens fast.

It's such a beautiful day out today, I'll most likely spend it inside though. Remeber childhood? Remember when you would get up early on the weekends and put all your snow gear on and play in the snow until it got dark outside? You didn't need anyone to be with you, you didn't need any friends to come over because you had your imagination and the snow. And with those two things you could do just about anything.

When I was a little kid, I used to play with my sisters barbie dolls...
My parents were so unhappy about this. I don't know why. I mean I guess when I was born they though "Oh a son, someone who will watch football and play sports and play with other boys." They were dead wrong. Yeah they tried to make me a quinessential boy, I was forced into baseball for six years. My dad tells this story, when I was about six, he was watching some superbowl game, he went upstairs to see what I was doing and wanted to invite me down to watch but I was playing with those satanic barbie dolls. They made me ashamed of what I played with.

I'm not complaining, I'm just getting things out of my head, things that I've kept a secret. It makes sense when it's written. I wasn't doing anythign wrong. How could I be? I was a child...
I'm at the age now where I can make mistakes. I can get in trouble and I can do things that are wrong. I do things that are wrong. I get caught and I am repremanded. I was a really well behaved child.

This is another blog that makes me realize that I hate blogging. But I really do enjoy blogging, if anything it lets me keep up with myslef, and I can go back and read things that I have posted and laugh at myself. I guess that's what I never realized, I'm doing this for myself. I am a human being, the most selfish of creatures. I'm no different than anyone else because in reality, none of us are "special" like we were told as children. We're all just selfish teenage kids that want a goddamn break fom all the emotional and physical stress we undergo.

I guess I'm generalizing, some people believe they're special and who am I to put a damper on that. I'm not depressed, quite the contrary, I'm very happy at the moment. I guess my writing style just comes off complainy. (if that's a word)

I want something new to happen to me, I won't find it sitting here though.

Julie and Julia

At the moment I am watching the movie Julie and Julia. It has really gotten me into a blogging mood, which at the moment is blissful. I don't know what has led me to this new found happiness but I hope that it doesn't go anywhere. Earlier today I was feeling really down, stupidily down, the kind of down where you think you just can't get up. But by the end of the day or week or sometimes even month you are out of that slump. I usually just think to myself "why am I so down?" Although my mood has improved, my writing skills certainly haven't.

I am extremely excited for work this summer. I work at the lake in Sterling, as a part time lifeguard and a full time friend.. I mean camp counselor. I am a counselor to the first and second graders, I absolutely adore them. They are to butter to my toast, they make me want to have a million children. I guess that's my true calling.... camp counselor. GAH! Whatever though, if that's all I'm good at, at least I'm good at something!

Craving meat is not a good part of living as a vegetarian.

When i get into a good mood, I want EVERYONE to be in a good mood. I think that's another thing I'm good at, cheering people up. If I can make one person happy, I feel like a million bucks. The only problem that I have with this is listening to people's problems. I mean how much bad news can one take!? But honestly, if I had to give up making people happy, I just wouldn't have a reason to be happy myself.

God, watching myslef type makes me realize that I am so not good at writing. I think that's why I'm in language in comp, I tell everyone it's because I didn't pass in a critique, (which is the truth) but maybe it's just because I SUCK! "LOL".

I slept until 11:00 today, what a great feeling. Throughout this day with myself I think I have become closer... with myself. I have four followers on this thing, (blogspot) and I really don't think any of them read it. This blog is such a joke, or becoming a joke. why the hell should I care that I have 4 followers and that others have like 99482984? Doesn't that sound ridiculous, that I would get upset about the fact that I am not being followed and that people aren't reading everything that's on my mind. What did people do before telephones and computers and automobiles. Oh that's right, they dies of the bubonic plague.

So what if I actually care? I mean who doesn't care what others think or read or write about them!? I looked throgh my facebook today and looked at the different people that wrote on my wall. What was I thinking? By the way, I was at a bad point earlier in the afternoon. I LOVE INSPIRATION!!

So I'm done now, I'm finally done with this ridiculously long drawn out, overly peppy blog.

Mood... still excellent. If anyone reads this, I hope they feel better about the fact that Brandon Sills, the world famous Brandon Sills is in fact a human being with real self consiousness, and spelling errors, and human errors, and emotional high points and low points. I'm so happy that I got to know myslef a little better today. My sister just questioned why my blog is so long. I should stop.

Pathways to the Present

Lately I've been feeling DOWN IN THE DUMPS....

.... I don't know why. I think it's because my mind is fried. Midterms are finally over and I got nothing below a 75! I should be happy, but lately I've been thinking about what I'm good at. And I really can't find anything...



... I can't even write, Ms. Hedberg gave me a B on my critique, but with the amount of gramatical errors, run on sentences, and overall just horrid writing skills, I should have been given a D. Wow a run on sentence, how suprising. She pointed out a lot [of mistake] that I never even realized were there. When I was a kid, I wanted to be an author. Whatever

I'm watching this show about old ganster rap and how it became a big thing. It was so emotional, the whole movement. I really guess I'll never know suffering, in any sense. Literal or figurative suffering. I'm just a "Poor Little Rich Boy".



I guess this blog just turned into me -BITchiNG- that was suppose to look like lips... Look harder, you might be able to see.

I really wish i were a little more okay with being an actual thing. I know that sounds a bit cliche but I really do think about it sometimes. People have started to matter to me, I'm more connected to the world. I've discovered that burying emotions isn't a good thing and I've begun caring about people. I'm having major idea block.

Sorry for this blog, I think it's the lack of sunlight I'm getting, isn't that what I should do? Find an exscuse for regular human instinct..

Blame

So apparently my stepmoms concerta bottle went missing, well that sucks. What sucks even more is that I'm being blamed for it completely. Obviously I'm not the greatest kid and obviously I've done things that could make people mistrust me, but if I were to steal a bottle of pills that are still in use everyday thinking I wouldn't be caught, then I would rightfully deserve the name stupid. You know that feeling that anything you say or do won't be listened to or even taken into account, well that's exactly how i feel. It's the worst feeling that I've ever felt. I guess I'll just have to deal with this blame until it shows up or until they finally decide that i've been so adament about the fact that I didn't steal it, that I actually didn't steal it. It really sucks to know that even your own parents can't trust you. Well I guess I'll have to see how it plays out, and I only have one and a half more years in Sterling.

All of my finals are done and although I should be happy I just can't stop this feeling of annoyance and the fact that I just want to leave. At this point in my life I only have to wearable pairs of pants, I really want some more. Also, a new coat, that'd be awesome.

I feel trapped recently, it's probably just because of today. I'll have to be like Annie and just be optimistic. A lot worse could happen, I mean I could be stuck in the jungle with no food or water. I guess I'll have to keep thinking of that.

My Persona

Lately, I've really wanted to express who i am as a person. I'm sick of that phrase "you are who you associate with." I want to get to know Brandon Sills a lot more. So far i have discovered that i love my sexuality. I love wearing bright fabulous clothing and being "trendy." Just because I'm becoming more of a steriotypical gay guy doesn't mean I'm trying to be something I'm not. I used to think that being part of something made me less of an individual, but isn't everyone looking for something bugger than themselves? And if it makes me blissful then why shouldn't I keep at it.

So I made the play, (as a minor role) and I was really happy about it. The production doesn't look too promising to me therefore i'd much rather not be remembered by this play. I also am really excited to work with the cast, I love drama kids so much.

In my Algebra 2 class, there is a large amount of sophomores. Overall they disgust me. They are constantly calling one another "Gay" and "Fag" and they tell one another that they're having relations with one anothers dead grandmothers. The direction in which this generation is going really terrifies me. Most of them are extremely closed minded and can't even make there own opinions without the consent of their more popular peers. It's like there is one universal mind that thinks and makes opinions for all of these immature children.

When i hear people use words like Gay and other derogatory remarks, I do get offended. I'm terrified of confrontation, which makes it hard to speak my mind. But it really does hurt me, whenever i hear one of those words used in a negative sense it's like getting stabbed in the stomach. What caused Homosexuality to be such a negative thing? Although it does offend me, I can let it go, I really hope being a bigger person works out for me.

I can't wait until college, to step onto that college campus. Although I'm going to have to wait a year and a half, I can't help but look foreward too it. I can't wait to walk into a class where everyone cares about what they're learning. The new experiences! Just thinking about it makes me happy. I guess overall, I'm a happy kid. I wouldn't want to be that cliche depressed high school kid. I'm excited to live and everyday i wake up a new revitalized person.

Inspiration?

So totally awesome is going to be my blog title until further notice.

I have a problem with inspiration, or deciding on how i'm going to act upon my inspiration. Sometimes i write poetry, and by sometimes i mean like a year ago. I wish i was better at art, because i really want to draw certain things and i really want to paint certain things but i just don't have that capability. You could call that lack of trying though. I guess what I am is lazy, I'm going to fix that though. Some kids in my grade have such drive. It's like they're constantly hopped up on ADD meds. Obviously they aren't they just really care about their futures, and i really respect that. Lately i have been really into a band called Beirut. i think that they have been inspiring me. A lot of my friends know exactly what they are going to do with their lives, most of my days recently have been filled with worrying about what the hell I'm going to do when i get out of college. I'm getting over the fact that i don't know what to do, life is going to have to be a journey and i think I'm becoming more okay with that. Midterms have really gotten the best of me, I'm determined to do well on them. I've ever really cared about grades this much but I'm pretty sure it's because of Mel Mel. Also Glee has become a HUGE part of my life, I'm a total Gleek. Obviously my favorite character is Kurt and as lame as this sounds i really relate to him. They are holding open auditions for Glee in February. That's one thing that I think i have a talent in; acting. I love being on stage, and being in Wachusett Drama has opened so many doors for me. Becoming a famous actor is obviously reaching for the stars but, if I don't set high expectations then I won't get anywhere in life. It all comes down to inspiration... as I get older though, it takes so much more to inspire me. I'm going to work on that, I really miss my childhood innosence. I miss a lot. May as well stop whining though, when life throws you lemons, MAKE SOME KICK ASS LEMONADE.