Happy Birthday JENNIFER

There are like four days until Christmas and yet I am no where near in the Christmas spirit!!
I think it's because all the stress.

Although I don't talk to my mom anymore I really dislike it when my family talks negatively abour her. It almost seems wrong. She did give birth to me, right?

Anyways, my race to finish my college things are almost done! It feels damn good. I want to sleep for an eternity. I have noticed that I talk about what I want on this blog a lot, I'm going to say what I don't want. I don't want to not get accepted into college, I don't want AIDS, I don't want the plague.

As I sat today, painting in my AP art class I realized that I love art all over again. For a while I was worrying about going to an art college but I'm really not afraid at all, bring it on. I want someone to make a movie with me! Any volunteers?!

FAIL BLOG. Whatevah it felt good to write something.
Writing is one of the best things, everytime I blog I feel better afterwards, it's like taking a burden off of my soul. Speaking of souls, I feel like my soul needs some watering. I want it to grow and flourish like a tree. What if I was a tree? That's be an interesting life to lead growing and splitting. I guess I do that anyways.

I saw two really great films this week, I saw Donnie Darko and Pan's Labyrinth. They were both such beautiful and intersting movies. I feel like my childhood was depraved, I never saw any great inspiring movies.

The best christmas song ever is All That I Want by The Weepies.
Having a fake christmas tree doesn't help the christmas spirit. Although I have to admit, when it was snowing today I couldn't stop grinning! It's going to snow on christmas, I think it's weird when it doesn't.

Today and yesterday I've been realizing how much I love Melina, I've always known she is great and my best friend and all but these last two days have somehow made us so much closer, I lvoe my mountain llama.
I want to go to Europe, I wonder if the air tastes different over there.

water

This is the third time I have tried to pick up blogging again since my last post.
I missed school today, I wasn't really that sick. I keep thinking of myself as falling, I don't know why but I can't land. Lately I've been in the worst of moods, call me... loveless.

Today I watched the movie "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly." It was one of the most beautiful films I have ever seen.
I've been thinking a lot about my art concentration, I think I have finally figured out what my word is going to be; enlightenment.
Throughout my highschool career I have wanted nothing more than to become a person, to finally grow out of my boring childish self and become something that matters. I definately haven't reached that point yet but I do believe I am on the right path.

My mind is clustered with thoughts at all times, I want some peace, I want to get away from these egotisms. I think what I really want is to stop caring about others judgements. A thought that is constantly running through my head is "I wonder if so and so likes me."
Lately I have wanted nothing more than to sit alone in my room and paint all day, I'm tired of people, and forced interaction. Don't get me wrong I do love other people and I do need to communicate I just feel frustrated. I want to be able to feel utterly alone for some time.
I want to travel, I want to go somewhere that isn't Massachusetts. I really miss the white mountains. Every year I go up to the white mountains and climb at least one with my dad. The way it feels to be surrounded by trees and dirt and bugs is so excellent.

Lately I've felt a bit underwater. I really want to resurface. I don't feel like my regular happy self. I guess this is adolescense. I hate feeling or talking about feeling bad. Whenever I begin to I think I'm being dramatic or annoying. Resurfacing may not be what I need though, maybe I need to explore underwater a bit more, it has certainly been inspiring. What an emotional journey life is, we are shot out into this cold and bright world and forced to live a certain way and then we die.
I suppose I should be living life to the fullest, but what is life without emotion?

I think the reason I don't blog is because i'm not very good with words. I wish I had a larger vocabulary.
I have a whole new appreciation for winter lately. I have been enoying the darkness that has been coming earlier and earlier. I also enjoy the lack of life, not in a cynical and depressing way I just think it's beautiful and barren.

I want to be in love I think. It's something I've never been able to experience.. I wonder what it's like.
It looks so fulfilling and fun. I think it's exactly what I need to be able to resurface.