I feel really antsy at the moment.
I think it's because my house is kind of messy and I don't like messes.. well I dont mind most messes but when I'm really hot I want everything perfect.

I'm OBSESSED with the song Home, I heard it a really long while ago but then I forgot who sang it. I'm not really in a blogging mood I just need something to do.

I think I'm in love.
But not really, more like an intense lust.

I went to the NAHS meeting today, it was pretty eventful, also I have three pieces in there. One of which I HATE!
An artist is definately their biggest critic... other than Madame Fusco.

I can't blog, sorry.

FOR THE FIRST TIME ON TOP MODEL HISTORY!!

On behalf of the last day of Summer I decided that I would go for a walk to my favorite little trail. It's so weird, seasons pass so quickly and yet I feel like it's been Summer for the longest time. Although I am melancholy about the fact that Summer is ending I am embracing Autumn with open arms. I like the word Autumn a lot better than Fall, it really describes the season as how I see it.
I really want to get rid of my cell phone. It just weighs me down so much.

You know what I don't understand?.. Why it is so strange to tell someone that you are interested in them. Why does that matter, we are human beings aren't we?
I guess I'm just a load of talk though, I would never tell anyone that I was CRUSHIN on them. All I want right now is to fall asleep on top of someone. I love sucking up other peoples body heat, I love human contact.

As I was walking down the trail today I realized (again) how much I want a camera. I want to take beautiful pictures, not for anyone else but myself. I love creating beautiful things. I think that's why I love art so much. It's so interesting that a tube of color or a stick of graphite can create such beautiful things.
The trail that I go on is illegal to walk through, I don't quite understand that, why are some parts of the world illegal to walk on. As I was sitting in the huge gorgeous field soaking up every last piece of Summer into my pores I realized how constrained we are as humans. Why am I not allowed to venture into unknown places, does anyone really own the earth? Is that even possible? What happens when the people that own that trail die, or what happens when I get caught by them (I assume it is Government owned land)? Why must I pay a consequence for pure intrigue?
As I was perched upon the untouched land I watched all of the animals on the trail and felt pure envy. Animals can do whatever they want, they run on pure instinct. I want to run on pure instinct.

I'm wearing shorts right now, I missed shorts, I love bare legs. I have a huge vendetta against leggings and tights, I literally hate them. I have absolutely no idea why. I think it's because I love bare legs so much.

I miss lifeguarding a whole lot, I wore my guard sweathshirt today for that very reason. I love watching people splash and play and scream and run and swim. I also miss swim team, I think I'm going to join again. I also think I'm going to stop smoking so many cigarettes.

Today I realized that my favorite color is yellow, I want to incoorperate yellow into everything I do. I also want to start wearing more yellow. I want to create something right now; a hat made out of can tabs.

America's Next Top Model is on tonight! I love that show, Tyra Banks is INSANE!!
I watch the Tyra Show because I love hearing her talk about how weird normal things are. Also on ANTM she always does something for the the first time on top model history and she always says it like that. "For the first time on TOP MODEL HISTORY I'm going to have you models walk across a tight rope 5,000 feet in the air with no harness over a lake of hungry alligators!!!!" And the models are always like "Tyra knows what she is talkkkin 'bout, I'm going to own dat tight rope and if I fall it just goes to show dat I want this more den any of da otha gurls" and then there is the one sane model that's like "Uhhhh I don't know Tyra, that sounds really dangerous, I don't know if I want to do it." And then Tyra is like "Well... I guess you don't want this bad enough, if you're not going to do this don't waste my time, you are going to be kicked out of America's Next Top Model."
LOL

Okay I'm done, that was a bit ridiculous.

Lately I've really wanted to make a movie, like a really interesting movie. I wish I had a video camera... I lost my families video camera. I'm still paying for it.
I really want tio go to Europe! I don't have a passport though, not talking to my mom is really difficult because she doesn't want me to have a passport.
It's been more than a year since I've been to my mom's house. I don't know how I feel about it anymore. I guess just apathetic.

I have decided this week is going to be my sobriety week. I have been smoking a lot lately, to the point where three bowls isn't even getting me that high.
Also whenever I smoke that much I end up so tired. I feel like I am constantly dragging myself places and my eyelids are always so heavy. Therefore this week is my sobriety week!!

You know when you are looking into the mirror and you stare yourself in the eyes? That is one of the strangest things ever, it's like strangely not awkward but at the same time so mysterious. It's like you finally realize you're a person, but in the weirdest way, because not only are you diving into yourself but yourself is diving into you. Does that make any sense?
You know what else is weird about being alone with mirrors? When you make the most ridiculous faces into it, not even just funny faces that you make around your friends like THE most ridiculous faces. Being alone with your own self is sometimes really strange. One of the weirdest things is watching yourself talk. I usually get annoyed with myself.

Whenever I drive I get really streesed out. If I see someone in my rearview mirror I either think they are going to follow me to my house and brutally kill me or I think they're a cop.
I don't actually think I'm going to be killed I just have a really wild imagination, an entire horror movie flashes through my eyes.
I hate suspence.

Whenever I am watching a horror film and the music is all tense and the lighting is low I freak out. I literally bury my face into the closest thing to me. When I went to see "The Last Exorcism" I was buried in Melina's arm for a lot of it. The movie wasn't even that scary!!

I've started the book Running With Scissors, I never want to put it down!
I really suggest everyone read it.

I love how while you are typing a blog it is constantly being auto saved. What if it was lost, would that really matter. I wish word documents would auto save, do they auto save?

I really just want to start drawing in my AP art class but alas MADAME FUSCO would rather talk at us all class. Art class is like the only class I ever want to get down to business (to defeat the huns) in and it's the only class where my teachers talk at me for the whole class. I love being a co owner of the senior art studio. I also love owning the big locker ;)
That's enough for today, I kinda missed blogging.

HIT ME

Over the weekend I went to Boston and stayed with Jeff at his dorm. It made me realize how much I need college!!!
Any more of this high school and I'm gonna die.

Lately I have felt more independent. I really enjoy doing things on my own like taking the train and just making important choices. I am one foot out the door and it has never felt so good.
As of late I have become a little bit self obsessed, I mean it's not too bad but it's kind of annoying. I like to dress up, I like to try and look good, is that bad? You know, it's not that annoying I'm just really self aware. I'm babbling.

We watched The Labotomist in my Psychology class. Overall it was terrifying, to think that we used to do things like dislodge peoples frontal lobes.
I'm sitting here watching the Gilmore Girls, I love this show.

I want to live in Boston so bad, I need to re take the SATs. I have so much shit to do and so little time to do it! These next couple of months are going to be the most stressful ones of my life. I just want to get into college.

My Contemporary Problems class might be the death of me, I don't mean to sound rude but I really can't stand AE kids and it is an AE AF class.
The Gilmore Girls reminds me of how much I love weird quirky relationships.

I need to find myself a soulmate, cliche right? Whatever, I know we are all looking for someone but I guess I'm just part of the norm.
Ah, mood status update; well as of now I feel strangely wired and really annoyed. I don't know why but things have been annoying me today, like the smallest things.

Right now I want to do nothing more than sleep forever, I love dreaming, I love Kid Cudi.

I've been really sore all day, I think it's from dranking on Saturday night. I really can't wait for college (unless you didn't know).
I am going to shave the side of my hair. Like not all of it and not the bangs, just like part of the side. I need change, something different. Maybe I'll shave my face off, or rip it off. You know when you want to rip your face off?

Lately I've been breaking out lately, I hate it more than anything in the world. It just really grosses me out.

Hospitals are so weird, the way they depict them on television is so strange. In reality, it's so much more white, hospitals are forever dreamlands. They're so cloudy, so strange. The last time I went to the hospital (for myself) I was really stoned it was April 20th 2008. LAWL

I need to be slapped! Slap me back to my senses!!
Alright, I'm done here.

I love Unitarian drum circles

So this weekend was really good. I camped in Melina's back yard with a bunch of people I love and went to a drum circle in Grafton. And now I'm sitting here vaguely sick watching the VMA's. Lady Gaga is taking over.
I miss my dad a whole lot, he's in Finland right now. He goes away a bunch on business to Europe which is weird and new to me.

I want to get senior year over with, this is ridiculous. I can't handle another year at Wachusett.
But not really, I am looking foreward to enjoying my last year of high school. I love a lot of the teachers there and I feel like they respect me too. Senior year is so different. I can't even remember freshman year... Yes I can.
What a weird year, I came out of the closet that year!

As of late I've wanted to be alone, not because I'm sad or because I don't love my friends; I think I just want to figure out who I am. Get to know myself better.

When I was dancing in the drum circle last night I realized how much I want to break away and become something so small, like a single drum beat.
I want to dance on broken glass.
I also want to be submerged in freezing cold water right now.

My face is really cold, but only my chin. Just in case anyone wanted to know.
Lately I've felt really un sexual. I'm perfectly content being single. I'm sure eventually that might change.

Whenever I drive I think about how much I trust other drivers and how much they trust me. I think about how if I wanted to I could just swerve off my side right into the front of them and how they could do the same. What if someone snaps and crushes the front of my car.
I guess I'd probably die right?

It's kind of morbid but it's what I think about.
I get really stressed out when I drive. Things have been stressing me out lately. Dumb things that aren't even important.

Anyways, that's all I have to say today. Mood status; tired and anxious, but happy.

I thought it was Summer?

I guess I'll start doing this again.
I think I'm starting to get sick, which is rough. I hate being sick unless I'm cuddled up in bed with a warm cup of tea or a water bottle of juice. One time my mom had me drink a water bottle of chicken broth. That was disgusting.

Summer has sadly come to a close and although I do feel sad about it I just want to finish my senior year. I'm a SENIOR, I had my last first day of school and I'm about to be chewed up and spit out into the real world. I'll have slime and saliva and snot all over me but I think I'll like it better. Anything will be better than living in Sterling.

So just like three seconds ago I had this searing pain through my head, why does stuff like that happen, what causes that?
Anyways, it's really cold out today and I just want to sleep. Whenever I start to blog I just get really apathetic and cold.

This year I'm going to be so well dressed, I want to win best dressed! Vote for me... if you're reading this. Also, my AP art work was lacking, I guess I shouldn't have done it in one night. Excuses excuses right?

I'm really stressed about all of this college stuff, I want to fast forward to the last month of school, when everything is done and I've been accepted into one of the many colleges I apply to.
I miss all my friends that are gone away to college. I want to trap them in a room until I go away to college so that we can all share the experience together... Not really though, that's kinda weird.
Does anyone even blog anymore?
Let me rephrase that, does anyone even read my blog anymore?

I guess if they don't it's their gain. Mood status; weirdly apathetic and cold..
This is always my pre sickness mood.
I'm going to start blogging more often, just for the whole writing skills thing. Also I really enjoy writing happy blog posts, today is too dreary to do that.
You know when you're about to cough so you put your face up to the sky and your neck get thus weird tight feeling that makes you need to cough even more? I always do that when I need to cough, I don't know why. Does anyone else do that?
Anyways, I'm done.