You know I'm no good.

I hate when people think that I'm interested in them. Freshman year I was into some dumb jock boy and he found out about it... and I OBVIOUSLY got over it, but I still feel this awkward tension whenever I see him. Like he still thinks I like him. It's weird, people need to get over themselves, I'm actually really good at getting over people, it takes me like two or three days and then I realize that they aren't into me. And I get over it! Easy as that.

I worked for like 11 hours today, it was so great, I was surrounded by people that I love and I got such great sun! I'm so much more tan!
So I had a really great friendship that's on the brink of collapse. I don't know what to do about it, I guess there isn't anything because I did nothing wrong. I don't even know if it will be saved, can it be salvaged?

Anyways, I don't even believe summer is here yet, I'm still so stressed and I still keep thinking I have finals to study for. I'm so excited to take AP art next year, I think it will be really good for me, to be pushed to the limit. And it will help get me into a good college.

I used to get so confused between "college" and "collage" just like I get so mixed up with Rhode Island and New Hampshire! They're like the same place.
I just feel so weird right now, my mood status is weird, and kinda hurt. Really hurt, and kinda pissed, really pissed. That's a lie, I'm not that hurt or pissed, I just am not gonna let any of this get to me, summer came at a perfect time. I'm working so much! SO MUCH MONEY!!

I'm not interested in anyone right now, it feels kinda good, I'm so sick of dissapointment!!! Whatever, why does everyone think they can't be happy without a significant other, I'm plenty happy with all the friends I have.
ALSO, I MISSED LAKE CAMP AND MY WONDER TWIN SO MUCH!!

Mellow Stress

Before I go to bed I decided I would blog. Today, while I was working on my art final a huge blot of ink fell onto the eye. I tried to dab it off but it just smudged and I got so upset, I really wanted to get it done and be done with Drawing 2 forever. I guess that's not going to happen. Anyways, I had a really good weekend, I got a lot of studying done and I was able to hang out with my friends too!! What a plus.

I can't believe I have like four days of junior year left, I'm going to be a senior in high school, I feel like I was just leaving fifth grade. I'm going to blink and be 42. Fuck, everything is happening so fast.

I saw the movie "Room 1408" it was horrifying, I hate scary movies. Deep down though I love being scared, anything to get an adreneline rush.
The news has such horrible stories on it. I think for every good story there are like twelve bad ones. It really makes viewers depressed.

My mood at the moment is kind of apathetic, kind of tired, and really stressed. I went out to the 99 restaurant today, they had like one vegetarian choice. As of late I've been thinking of giving up, not because I miss meat (which I do sometimes) but because it's so inconvenient.

Jeff gave me old I-Pod, I'm so happy, it was so weird to go like two weeks without portable music. THANKS JEFF!

Alright, I need some sleep so hardcore, I'm so ready to get my ass kicked by the Chem final. But you know what, FOUR MORE DAYS!! FUCK YEAH!

The days are just wasting by, crumpled up and thrown into the garbage bin. The thing is that I don't think the paper is making it into the garbage bin, it's merely falling to the ground; completely unfulfilled. That's what my life has been like over the weekdays. I'm by no means upset or frustrated, I just need adventure. I need to get out of this one horse town and adventure. I want to move to the city sometimes, and just go wild. Hollywood makes drug use so sheik, so beautiful. After watching factory girl I just wanted to shoot up heroin. (Not really obviously).

I love Regina Spektor. Her voice is just so beautiful, so soul tingling.

I really just want to cry, to let all of these unsure emotions out with tears. I don't think I've really cried in like a year. It's not that I don't want to it's just I can't. It isn't very easy for me because I push my emotions deep into every crevice of my body. Sometimes I wish I was really emotional, but I guess that would make me a completely different person. Sorry about all of these weirdly depressing blogs.

I want to become part of the soil, just live underground for a while. I'm sick of this material world, I'm sick of being sucked into judgments and petty worries. All I want to worry about is how my roots will get watered, and I want to get away from all of this digital stuff that I am addicted to. As I say that though, I feel so cliché. WHATEVER! I don't fucking care how cliché I am! I don't care what anyone thinks, is thinking like everyone else a crime!?

Fuck

So I just started listening to this band Neva Dinova, the singer has such a beautiful voice.
My mood as of late is really weird, I feel really connected with it, you know when you become really close friends with your mood. I think you become closer with your mood when it starts to confuse you. Or when it's torturing you.
In my case there's less torture and more confusion. I think I'm just shut off, school is really taking a toll on me.

I just feel completely wiped.
I've noticed that in all my blogs I give a mood update. It's kind of like a mood calendar, I think I will continue to do it.

I am almost finished with the Great Gatsby, what an amazing experience. I think I'm in love with Gatsby. I love tortured souls, and that's exactly what he is. I'm obviously not one hundred percent serious, he's a fictional character.
I don't really know why I'm blogging right now, it's just making me more aware of the fact that school is tomorrow.

You could say that this month and last month were some of the weirdest, most stressful, most painful months of my life.

On a positive note, the weather has been really gorgeous and I have even got some swimming in! My eyes feel like lead at the moment, just kind of drooping. My arms and jello, flailing and stabbing at these keys as if they matter, as if this blog matters. Why do I think this blog matters, is it really for me, or am I just selfishly waiting for comments? I think it's a little bit of both.

I just need something or someone to be filling up my ego at all times, I think I need to be shot down, I'm really not that great, I suck. Whenever someone tells me how nice I am, I die a little inside because secretly I'm not that nice. I really try hard and I do find the positive in a lot of people but there are the people out there that I hate for no reason other than maybe their voice is annoying or they just rub me the wrong way.
Someone please, put me down or spit on me, I need it. I need a taste of reality, all your compliments are nice but I need to be hit with a brick. I'm no Satan but I am certainly not Jesus.

This was a dangerous mood to blog in, I'm going to regret posting this tomorrow.